A Stoner's Point of View #10: Video Game Movies
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I haven't written in a while mostly due to the fact I've been extremely fucking lazy. I have been good on my promises to review half of the movies I said I would review, so sorry about that. There will be no Vengeance trilogy review, because I'm a lazy bastard. Out of all the films I said I was going to go over, I'll probably just go over the true-to-life stoner comedy Smiley Face, but everything else will probably change.
No, wait. Fuck it. I was lazy. What I did was take a break. So think of this as 'season two' of A Stoner's Point of View. It'll be exactly the same as the first season, just with a lot more pot thrown into the mix. That's the real reason I haven't been doing these thigns for a while: I've just been way too fucking high. I've also been jerking off way too much to that anime convention thread, which has a shitload of hot women dressed up as characters. My personal favorite? The chick in the yellow dress. Chick in the yellow dress, if you are reading this, I want to bone you. Hard. But not only will I do that, I will make sure it is a very sweet and romantic.
Yes, I like romance.
Tonight I will be going over the dreaded 'video games to movies' topic. While most of them do in fact suck hard balls, there are some that aren't that fucking bad. You can't expect to have every movie follow the plot point of your favorite video game to a 'T'. It's not going to happen. I can see why some fans are so pissed at about how their favorite games are turned into bastard versions of themselves when they hit the big screen, but what do you expect?
And just to piss off a lot of people, I'll say that Silent Hill was a shitty movie. Yes, it was. It was boring, not scary, and just fucking stupid. I wanted to claw my eyes out throughout the entire fucking thing. And the Resident Evil movies? Crap. Total and utter crap. If another sequel comes out in which there are dogs being kicked in the face, I'm going to go to Paul W.S. Anderson's house and burn it to the fucking ground.
I will give each movie in here a smiley face (in honor of teenkiller, I'll be using angry faces: :mad:), from a possible five smiley faces.
With that out of the way, I would to start off by discussing the glory that is...
D.O.A.: Dead or Alive. Really, what did people expect to see when they popped in the DVD (because lord knows no one watched it in theaters)? A good plot? No, it is based off of a fighting game that had two (TWO) spin-off games where you basically watch the female fighters run around in bikinis. And you know what? You basically get that in the film, mixed with some pretty decent fight sequences.
No, I'm not saying that D.O.A. is the greatest film ever made. It's far from that. It's a cheesy, Charlie's Angels-esque action movie where some chicks are kicking ass. What's wrong with that? Nothing. Nothing at all. 87 minutes of girls kicking ass while being half-naked. Guys, again: what do you fucking expect!? Sure, there are some bad effects here and there, and it's obvious that the film uses a lot of wire-work, but it's not that bad of a fucking movie. In fact, it's a movie that I can say was actually good for being a video game movie.
:mad::mad::mad: / :mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:
Why does Super Mario Brothers get a lot of hate? Well, because people were expecting colorful backgrounds with a fat guy in overalls jumping up and down on turtles for the better part of an hour. No, ask yourself this important question:
Would a Super Mario Brothers movie be better if it was just Mario jumping on shit for a better part of an hour?
No. Kudos to the creators of the Super Mario Brothers movie. Yes, fucking kudos. Not only were they able to snag Bob Hoskins to play as Mario (and he actually did a fucking great job), but they got Dennis Hopper to play Koopa and they managed to sprinkle little bits from the game into the movie as well. Sure, Luigi didn't have a mustache and Princess Toadstool was no where to be found, but again:
Would a Super Mario Brothers movie be better if it was just Mario jumping on shit for a better part of an hour?
They changed it up. They tried to do something different. To most fans it was a smack in the face. To me, as a five year-old boy watching the movie on the big screen, I was amazed. When the film ended, my uncle turned to me and went, "There's going to be a sequel!" in an enthusastic way. He was probably just saying that so he could leave the theater, but I was so god damn excited for a sequel. I didn't care if the movie was based mostly on dinosaurs, and the Goombas were nothing more than walking reptiles with small heads, but there was something about the movie made it feel right to me.
There was no other way they could make the film fans were wanting at that time unless it was a cartoon. And do your remember the Mario cartoons? Terrible. Absolutely terrible. It makes me go, "What the fuck was I thinking when I was four!?" But at least the movie is very dark, somewhat funny, and has a great cast to make up for it's flaws. I will own this movie on DVD when I get the money, just to piss everyone who hates it off.
You heard me: to piss you off.
:mad::mad::mad::mad: / :mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:
Mortal Kombat is the ultimate video game movie. Yes, it has it's flaws, but there is no denying that Mortal Kombat was the SHIT when it came out. It was before the series got crappy and introduced terrible characters (Frost? FROST!? REALLY!?!?!), so you don't have a bunch of worthless characters to deal with. And the worthless characters are the ones you know are going to die. You get 101 minutes of sheer badassness, and even though it was PG-13, it didn't matter. This film could be PG for all I care. As long as it had Johnny Cage punching Goro in the nuts, it didn't matter one bit.
And let me put this past me now: the movie actually delivered on all expectations (sans gore). It was an action flick. The makers knew it had to be an action film. There is some cheese inside, but who gives a shit? Remember the fight between Sub-Zero and Liu Kang? Badassness, I'm telling you. Sheer badassness. Sonya versus Kano? Yep, you get it. And not only that, but Kano was so awesome that the makers actually decide to revert Kano into a character similiar to the one in the movie, just because of positive reaction. And Scorpion was great, too! And they actually allowed him to use his trademark spear, and you got to see his FLAMING FUCK HEAD AS HE SPINS FIRE AT JOHNNY CAGE.
YES! YES! YES!
It's just too bad that the sequel sucked so badly. I'm actually wanting to see the third one, whenever they decide to man up and make up for their mistakes of the second one. Since the success of the shitty Resident Evil movies, there might be a good chance it'll gain a hard R as well. So yeah, it won't be that bad unless they fuck it up really bad. It just needs to climb it's way out of development hell and onto celluloid.
The funny thing? It's made by the man who completely butchered Resident Evil, and who will no doubt butcher Castlevania. I only like Anderson with the little amount of respect due to this and Event Horizon (underrated). Everything else he has even touched has turned into complete shit. Again, fuck the Resident Evil series. I know I talked about how the Mario film was completely different than the games, but at least they captured the spirit.
Not completely fuck said spirit in the ass so hard it began to cry.
:mad::mad::mad::mad::mad: / :mad::mad::mad::mad::mad:
Ok, I'm done. I've written way too much and no one is going to read it. It's all shit anyway. You've been Punk'd, yo! That reminds me, what the fuck happened to Ashton Kutcher? Oh, right, he's Demi Moore's bitch.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Neutral
