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#1 Movie of All-Time
#1 Romantic Comedy
#1 Movie Character
Hello MFC! It is I, back for another top worst films of the year. I feel particularly proud of myself this year as I avoided so many stinkers that others were unfortunate to lay their collective eyes on. (Fantastic Four, Ridiculous 6, Pixels, Paul Blart 2, and The Chipmunks just to name a few) Unfortunately I still had my own fair share of bullshit films last year, so allow me to share some of you my fond memories of said films. Enjoy!
Probably one of my biggest disappointments of the year. (Yes, even more-so than Jurassic World) While this was designated as the rated R "Johnny 5" film, I dare say that Short Circuit is still the superior film. Its unfortunate that director Neil Blomkamp is 2 for 3 now, as his third feature ended up being a great premise told the wrong way. I just recall walking out of this with not many positive things to say about it. Sure the violence was okay as well as the special effects and locales being rather authentic as per his style but the whole thing was surprisingly fleeting. Not much of a lasting effect. Not to mention the cast in this movie is severely wasted because Blomkamp decided to center the story around Die Antwood who belong in small roles as bit players at best, not characters we spend the majority of our time with. It was as sure a misfire if there ever was one, which resulted in a film falling fast from our memory banks. Chap-who?
As an enormous fan of Jackie Chan and the Police Story films, I was uber-excited for a return to the series that put JC's brand of death-defying stunts and kinetic martial arts on the map. This collection of films introduced the world to the Chan man in a huge way, so....why did this installment feel like it was a good-bye to him? Now don't get me wrong, JC isn't as young as he once was, so I wasn't expecting the same visceral, take-no-prisoners approach here, but this was just....lazy. I mean, the majority of the film takes place in ONE location. (A club at that) JC barely does any stunts or any fighting save one sequence. Other than that its just him.....sneaking around trying not to let the villains (and I use that term loosely) notice him. Um....the fuck!?!? That is NOT the Jackie Chan of old or the new age. Talk about a terrible third parter to a once respectable franchise. Did John Moore direct this? Has his stink on it....Ugh. Another major disappointment.
Nostalgia can be a powerful thing, especially when mixed with the new. But when its done awkwardly wrong, it turns out to be Skin Trade. Like seriously, who asked for this pairing? Not me. Did you? Didn't think so. With the Exception of Michael Jai White vs Tony Jaa (What the film REALLY should've been about), this whole team-up was just highly uninteresting, highly ridiculous, and highly forgettable. This could've been the sleeper hit of the year instead of just a stone cold sleeper and that's a freaking shame .
What was the last great film Van Damme was in? I mean, besides Expendables 2 (And that's debatable), I can't think of one. While the Muscles from Brussels looks to be trying to put in a decent actioner, this is far from competent. Laskluster story, Abysmal execution, and humdrum action all the way through with Van Damme at the helm looking like he's about to pass out from exhaustion or from some bad drugs he took last night. His straight-to-DVD hell continues to be a slow, long, ride into the depths of obscurity. Just sad. Good for us when it happens though. Won't have to stomach mess like this anymore.
Oh look, another Lockdown sub-title. It's amazing to me that there are actually Three 12 Round films. Fucking Three!! Why? This isn't a profitable franchise, or an adequate, semi-cultish one. Its uninspired drivel - Boring, clunky, and ridiculous considering if you imagine WWE films' earlier works. This is just a film to showcase the most popular wrestler at the time in order to gain some quick cash. I mean, if that's the case, why not create a new film, why continue an asinine premise that's not even the actual storyline anymore. Yeah, this doesn't even get its on plot, that's been established in its predecessors correctly. I believe it would be a diss to upcoming creators to call this amateur. True amateurs have loads of more heart and talent than this. And fuck you WWE for making the first 12 Rounds, with John CENA actually better by comparison. Disgusting.
Oh look...another part 3. Starting to see a trend here. Well, Let's pray it ends here, because it never needed to get here in the first place. While the first Taken was one of the biggest sleeper hits of the decade (revamping Liam Neeson as a bad-ass), it's two...sequels just proved that the producers of this....franchise, just didn't know where to take it. So, why take it anywhere? Because when you get a film like this, is Money really that important? Dumb plot, Listless direction, Stupid villains, and Neeson along with the rest of the cast being totally indifferent in every regard. And who edited the action pieces in this dredge, a dyslexic pigeon? Please no more. Just move on. Taken has tooken the life out of me.
Uh-huh, more like Get Soft. There's no secret that Kevin Hart is one of the hardest working comedians in the business today. While Will Ferrell is basically a legend in his own right. These two have put out some top-notch comedy.for years...in other projects. This one....not so much. Un-intelligent, Un-engaging, Un-funny in the purest sense and a huge reminder on why I don't pay for comedies at the movie theater. It's not the fact that this particular pairing was wrong in anyway, its just the material was downright revolting. We didn't need to see Hart teach Ferrell how to suck a dick, make a shiv, survive a mock riot, or be sadistically racist in order to prepare himself for prison. I don't remember laughing one time during this film, just feeling bad for everyone involved. This is the best example of a comedic dud if I ever saw one. At least Ferrell pairing again with Mark Wahlberg and Hart again with Ice Cube will produce some chuckles right? Right?!?!
No hesitation whatsoever - I love erotic movies; Body of Evidence, 9 1/2 weeks, Secretary, etc. When done right these types of films can provide a taut and sexy experience that's pretty sultry. Hell even Showgirls has its moments of dirty fun that can be appreciated. But this.....THIS bullshit right here was just a fucking chore if I ever sat through one. If you ever wondered what a shiny and polished piece of shit looked like, it'd be this. With glitter. Sure, The production value was flawless, but that's it. Hence the shine and glitter. The editing was....odd as hell, the script was just chalk full of mediocrity, blatant idiocy, laughable lines and clumsy exchanges. Our two...leads were as lifeless as they could possibly be with chemistry absent performances. And last but least this film didn't even depict a half-decent examination into the world of BDSM. Now I've never read the book per se but from what I've heard from actual fans, this adaptation isn't even a decent outline of the original story. Though, considering what OTHER people have said who read the book as a joke, this film is just...tame, lame, and hallow. Shocking but...this is what fan-fction, at its most vapid, creates. A complete and utter disaster of epically un-sexy proportions. Wow, I normally don't diss myself for watching films but, I was a stupid motherfucker for thinking I'd get any enjoyment out of this. And yes, its even worse than Twilight. Stay tuned for the sequel kiddies!
Schmoes, I give you Seventh Son, a film that should've stayed in development/scheduling hell because it is just....a walking talking breathing abortion. Remember when everyone was saying that "Oblivion" borrowed (or ripped off) from numerous sci-fi films, institutions, and storylines....well this filth does that with Fantasy/Adventure, regurgitating the best and worst of what;s come before them onto the screen. Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Dungeons and Dragons, The Neverending Story, Solomon Kane, and even Reign of Fire are just a few films this tale decimates during its ridiculous run-time. The cast is decent but put in one-note performances with Ben Barnes being Hayden Christensen levels of bland and Jeff Bridges putting in another incomprehensible voice that just makes you want to bang your head on the wall. In fact, that's what I wanted to do once this suck-fest of a picture finally ended. If you ever hear someone ask what true Unoriginality is....tell them its Seventh Son. Hopefully, they'll understand....or if not, they will. Hell is definitely where this belongs. Good fucking riddance.
Whenever someone discusses the true issues of cinema and how films are bringing about the downfall of intelligent society, I have no doubt that they have something like this in their minds. A perfect example of how television and movies can be 100% infuriating, ludicrous, dangerous and used for nefarious purposes. Pure, uncut, unbridled, fucking terrible. Say what you want to about remakes, reboots, sequels, adaptations, or even comic book films, at LEAST they try to be...well...something coherent and entertaining. From its first minute to its last this rollercoaster ride through shit-ville taunts, degrades, imposes, and demoralizes you with each sentence, image, action, and dumbfuck thing it can possible throw at you. What appears to be a romp is just a madman's excuse to tell a story no one gives a left nut about, showcase horrendous special effects, and cram as many self-indulgent cameos into this stink-fest as humanly possible. Even while drunk off my ass this was the worst experience I've ever been apart of last year, so much so that I could make a list of messed up things I'd do to myself rather than watch this again...or, for the first time. Now, I know what you're probably going to say, "But TC, these films are just dumb, gratuitous schlock that's not meant to be taken seriously." and yeah, you'd be correct...about the first Sharknado film. But how...on God's Green Earth, did this....series become so freaking popular to spawn its 3rd film?!?! And actually achieve commercial acclaim! Jesus Christ. And what's worse? ANOTHER ONE IS COMING OUT?!?!? I just, I don't even know what to say. Well, yeah I do. This is the worst film of 2015. The worst in existence. The worst creation to ever be made. It's the reason why there's so much hatred, anger, and stupidity in the world. Fuck you Sharknado! Fuck you with a chainsaw, which I see is basically your thing, so you'll be right at home.
AND THERE YOU HAVE IT!
Thank you all for reading and I will be back soon with another top of the year list. Now I need a shower to wash this garbage off of me. Happy New Year schmoes!
Hey there MFC!
It's your friendly underrated (or is it "rated" now since about to become KING SCHMOE?!?!) TC23 once again hitting you guys up on the last day of the year. The last hurrah before the change. The last donut. The last film credit. In short, The LAST day of the YE-AHH!!
As you may or may not know, normally on this day I always rip out a blog and just kind of...dish about this last year a bit, ending on a bit of retro or introspective for our various souls to dive into. I figure, why start changing that now, as I'm sure many of us are walking down memory lane on the last 364. I know I am. But, this year, not as much as I normally would have. In a shocker to the system that I never saw coming, I'm not as....obsessive over what's come before in all its unmitigated glory, or the paranoia of what's about to transpire in the vast unknown of the stratosphere.
It's all been pretty lucid, to say the least, which I've deduced is a positive thing. A mucho positive thing.
But as it stands....2015 has been a rollercoaster year. More-so than others before it. Which isn't really a shocker either. Seems like, each year has brought about its own maze, cornucopia, or...smorgasbord of highs, lows, sides, and "huh?"s that cannot be denied, swayed, or even shortened. Whether it was by my hand, my choice, someone ekse, or the universe having its way with me like a dirty whore with clear heels, many events took me to my limit, beyond, and back again. Sometimes all in the same serving. I swear as I'm typing this out right now, I've never been more exhausted, yet strangely, excited and hopeful.
The world itself seems to have launched off the deep end as well, so much so, that its a wonder I've even gone outside some days. Yet, like the world itself, reflecting on my own little existence, no matter how insane it may have gotten, tomorrow always came. Always.
As much as I and many of us believed that the world was coming to an impromptu end. It didn't. We're all still here, chugging along. Like Dory, we just kept swimming. No matter how hard we got hit, we got back up.
Which speaks volumes to the strength of character that we all possess.
I really have no need to focus on the negative in this blog. Not because there wasn't any this year...there was plenty in spades. Family was crazy, Friends were crazier, Father's recovery went up and down, Mother's health went up and down, Best Friends idiocy went down....It was all there, with gusto.
It really was.... but....
....Something happened amongst the mist. Something happened inside the fog. Throughout everything that's happened to me this year, I reached numerous lights in the darkness that kept me going...
Long denied Truths were finally admitted, People showed their true colors, Situations happened that benefited me, and on top of all the sugar and rainbows.....I met someone who I had no ties with showed me the meaning of understanding, compassion, forgiveness, and self-assurance.
Someone who left such a positive mark on my psyche that it carried over into all other aspects of my life. Someone who understood me. Someone who "got" me. And just as she came in and out of my life, her presence, wisdom, and love left a....seed within me that grew into something worthwhile. Something tangible. Corporeal. Ethereal.
Her name was Beverly. And I'm not going to lie when I say She changed my perspective on so many ridiculous mentalities that I had, that to list everything she made me feel, felt, examined, etc. Would take another blog.
But it just goes to show you that just when you believe that you are alone....someone, or something will come along and remind you that you are far from.
Someone or Something will remind you that you still have a whole lot of fight left within you. And for that I will always be eternally grateful.
Good times became more frequent, Trips into the darkness ended quicker, and now again as I sit here in my room, I can't help but to just be...well...pretty content and happy about getting through everything this year.
I've learned many lessons that I'm trying to assimilate into my thinking but, one key element within the whole thing is...
I just don't want to be miserable anymore.
It took a lot of inspiration, drinks, good nights, and someone fantastic to let me know how...special I still am but..I'm there now. I'm finally there. In the words of Wasp from "Ant-Man,"
It's about damn time.
So...because of this I want to...I guess shine onto any of you who are reading this right now. Most of you have learned your own lessons this year, which I hope and pray will continue to help you on each and every one of your journeys.
All of you here on MFC are so intelligent, passionate, funny, creative, and just brimming with personality. So much so that I'm often taken aback and a bit jealous at such...forces of nature you are. But, I'm getting there.
I'm finally getting there.
Normally I leave you guys with some expressive platitude or something but I really don't need to do that...BUT, I will say this for those who want one and even as a reminder for myself in the coming year.
Happiness begins with what we have.
Misery is Easy, which is why most people choose it, but happiness takes work and effort.
and Last but not least,
You always have a choice and its never too late to be the person YOU want to be by never accepting anything less than what you deserve.
And Therein, lies the next great challenge and engagement of life. Therein lies what we are all truly made of. Of course its easier said than done, but luckily, days go by, new movies come out, time passes, and some people actually want to help us through. So as a rule, there's plenty of options to assist us in the process.
To reach the next step in all of our lives.
To reach the next great experience.
While this may be distinct for each of you, for me, I'm going to use this next year as another stepping stone towards this very advice I'm throwing out. I'm going to take steps forward towards whatever may be in store for me.
Hopefully it will work, but even if it doesn't, I'm going to at least try.
In the end, that's the most any of us can do...Just Try.
I would like to Thank ALL OF THE SCHMOES who are reading this right now. Each and every single one of you.
Do I need to restate how all of you make this place great? Nope. Didn't think so, because you do!Keep those posts coming! Keep loving those movies! And keep sharing your thoughts, opinions, passions, and exuberance for what life has coming for all of you. All of us.
So Tonight, Let's raise a glass or whatever you may be drinking and let's bring in this new era the way it was meant to be; With Love, Honor, and The cinematic fortitude of Epic-ness! Oh and of course, Let's get ready for another SENSATIONAL year at the Movies!!