|Directed by:||Peter Berg|
|Written by:||Erich Hoeber, Jon Hoeber|
|Cast:||Brooklyn Decker, Liam Neeson, Alexander Skarsgard, Taylor Kitsch, Josh Pence, Rihanna|
These are exactly the kinds of movies that I just absolutely fucking hate. It’s all here. The loud explosions, the paper-thin characters, their abysmal dialogue, the contrived, uninspiring little romance, the Top 40 soundtrack, the casting of the flavor-of-the-week pop star, and overall absence of basic logic or any common sense.
This review may be biased however, due to the fact that I couldn’t stop hating it after the tits-with-legs walks into the bar and orders a fucking burrito. Really, you dumb bitch? Doesn’t order a drink or nothing, just makes a big stink when lisp-master Louis Lombardi refuses to pop one in the microwave. Then dudeman decides to win her heart by doing what she should have done in the first place, which is to hit up the 7-11 that is RIGHT ACROSS THE FUCKING STREET! Ugh I hate this shit.
And it’s like, “Duh, it’s a fucking Battleship movie. Of course it’s bad” Yeah I expected it to be bad. I WANTED it to be bad. A so-bad-it’s-good kind of experience that I genuinely enjoy. But it just doesn’t reach that territory for me. I just could not stand this movie.
Because it isn’t really a movie. It goes through the motions of how a movie generally goes, but is ultimately a mask with no face behind it. It’s the shallowest attempts at filmmaking there is. It’s like they didn’t even try. The actors seem like they don’t want to be here any more than I did. The whole thing is just a pathetic cash grab and it makes me fucking sick.
BOTTOM LINE I hated every minute of it. It represents everything I hate about big-budget Hollywood. And what’s even sadder is that they’re probably already working on a sequel fml