The Muppets

I'm sorry guys, PLEASE don't hate me, but this movie just did not work for me. I actually can't believe how much I disliked it. Now I love the Muppets to death, always have. I loved the show and all of the previous movies, The Muppet Movie (1979) being my favorite. I can understand and fully appreciate Jason Segel wanting to present a love letter to the Muppets and bring them back, but that doesn't mean it makes a good movie.

So let's get right into it. First of all, I hated the new Walter character. Didn't give a shit about him or the Gary and Mary characters, and they spend way too long trying to press it onto us. The balance between these new characters and the original Muppets was way off, it seemed like it couldn't decide who the central story was about. You don't start the movie off with a subplot. And that makes it feel like the Muppets are the subplot, like they are secondary.

So I think the biggest flaw here is actually Jason Segel. Not only for the things I just mentioned, but pretty much all of the writing in general. You can sense way too much of Segel in the dialogue, if that makes sense. It just feels like we're watching Segel's wet dream as opposed to a traditional Muppet movie. And it is way too self aware for me, much more than they usually are, with characters saying things like "This is going to be the shortest movie ever." That's even lower than breaking the fourth wall as far as I'm concerned and I found it to be very off-putting.

It also felt like it was trying to be a little too current at times, with the chickens performing a version of a C-Lo song and of course that God awful Selena Gomez cameo. "I don't even know who you are but my agent sent me anyway." That just pissed me off. And speaking of the the celebrity cameos (which is another Muppet tradition), they sucked.

You won't find me complaining about Rashida Jones or Emily Blunt. But Jack Black? Zach Galihoweverthefuckyousayit? Mickey Rooney? Whoopi fuckin Goldberg? Are you kidding me? Oh and I pretty much hated all of the music numbers, with the exception of the one the Muppets perform at the end, and of course the mahna mahna song. But I got a headache from all of the others and wanted to kill myself every time one began.

I think the only part I can honestly say that I enjoyed was when they finally put on the Muppet show, because it FINALLY felt like a Muppet movie. It's that point where I was taken back to the glory days, reminding me once again why I love those guys so much. That's the only time my heart warmed up and nostalgia kicked in. But even that is ruined by the inevitable "Oh my God we need one more act who the hell could we possibly get?" moment when Walter once again steals the Muppets spotlight. Ugh.

NITPICKING PARAGRAPH: Frank Oz didn't even join the movie because he didn't like the script, and I can't say I blame him. I knew Miss Piggy sounded weird. And I spotted a few scenes with some CGI, and that really bothers me. It isn't a lot, or incredibly noticeable, but when Gonzo (who was barely in the movie by the way) hops off the roof of his warehouse, you can see how digital it is.

THE "OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE MY EYES" MOMENT: Chris Cooper's rap. What in the Jesus was that? I seriously thought I was having a bad dream at that point, and I still can't even believe I saw that. So. Fucking. Terrible.

BOTTOM LINE: Didn't like it. I pretty much hated it actually. It was a huge disappointment, which breaks my heart because I love the Muppets so much. But I just wasn't feeling this one. Not the writing, not the songs, not the story, not the new characters or the shitty celebrity cameos. Call me bad names if you'd like, but I just didn't work for me.