|Directed by:||Dominic Sena|
|Written by:||H.B Halicki, Scott Rosenberg|
|Cast:||Nicolas Cage, Angelina Jolie, Giovanni Ribisi, Delroy Lindo, Will Patton, Christoper Eccleston, Chi McBride, Robert Duvall, Scott Caan|
Wow, this actually might be one of the worst pieces of shit I’ve ever seen. I’ve never been so fucking bored by a car movie since Tokyo Drift and that at least had....
Actually no Tokyo Drift had fucking nothing because it was a piece of shit.
In the right hands this could’ve made for a good premise, guy has three days to steal 50 cars or his kid brother will be killed, you’ve got an impossible goal, a tense time limit and the threat of death, all action movie staples but the promise of a few car chases is never a bad thing.
But we never got those car chases, instead we have an hour and half of ‘assembling the team’ by which I mean a bunch of no-name assholes who contribute fucking nothing but pain and misery to themselves and to me.
Let me rattle them off for you, we got Nic Cage being Nic Cage, Angelina Jolie in blonde dreads being utterly fucking wasted, a big black guy trying to be sauve, a little black guy trying to be gangster, Vinnie Jones being a fucking mute, Giovanni Ribisi being alright but totally forgettable and a handful of blank faces who have about 10 lines shared between them.
And the villain is Christopher Ecclestone who has two scenes and comes across more like a whiny bastard than an actual threat.
So what about those 50 cars? Well about 47 of them get stolen in a fucking montage of all things because someone thought it was a good idea to have one day to get the team, one day to stakeout all 50 cars in a 45 minute radius leaving just one day to steal them all and no time to actually get anything interesting out of it.
It’s not the fact that we didn’t see all the cars being stolen it’s that we didn’t see ANY car getting stolen, this is where quality over quantity comes into play because while 50 cars in 24 hours sounds great on paper, in practise we were never going to see any decent number of them actually involved in any type of chase which leaves the film feeling dull and pathetic. I would’ve much rather have 5 really good car chases than 50 of nothing.
The one sole car chase we get at the end is marred by shitty 2000s effects work, lot of bad green-screening and speeding the film up in place of actually being fast, etc, but also just being boring. We know that no matter what Cage does he’s not gonna get a scratch of him but he’ll still miss the deadline by a few minutes and force us into a final, worthless ten minutes to defeat the bad guy and win the day.
Fuck off. Gone In 60 Seconds? More like I Should’ve Pissed Off 60 Seconds In.