Thoughts?
Rough draft of an unnamed story
How sure are we that this world is not indeed hell?
Erica’s body flowed with the music as if she were apart of it. She looked in my eyes and smiled. The power of that smile was amazing. By her side, there was no better place to be on a Friday night. I always had loved her, and she knew it deep down how much she meant to me, but I was always the friend to her. I sat there with my cold beer, staring at her raven hair swirling madly through the air and at her flashing green eyes, longing for things that seemed not to be. I was not a bad looking guy by any means. Average build, clean-shaven, deep blue eyes, thick black hair … Many girls had sought my attention, but my eyes were only for Erica. I broke free of her trance long enough to look at the time. “Erica, we have to go. It’s late and your sisters wedding is in the morning” She gave a look that could melt the heart of the coldest man. “All right Alex lets head home” I could’ve watched her dance in that club till dawn, but there just wasn’t time for it. I paid the tab and we walked out into that cold winter night.
It was a short walk to our apartment. As we walked I reflected more on our relationship. We lived together, ate together, worked together, hell we pretty much did everything together. My family always questioned why we never became more than friends and got married, her family as well. Her little sister even asked her flat out, “When are you and Alex going to get married and have kids?” That was only after knowing her for three months! “So can I ask again why we never moved beyond friends?” “ Cause that kind of relationship complicates things, you know this Alex. We’ve talked about this like a million times!” “We’re a couple in every sense of the word except for officially being called a couple, and of course without the sex…” She walked out in front of me, facing me, walking backwards, she began taunting me. I should’ve seen it coming, I left myself wide open for it, but deep down I didn’t mind. “Oh I see how it is, thinking with the little brains in your pants again? Is Captain Winkie feeling a little lonely? Rosie Palm out of town?” She spun back around and fell inline with me. “Sorry Alex, but my BOB can last longer than any man and that’s all I need,” she laughed and gave me a look that seemed to say something no man of this Earth could understand. Oh how she could get under my skin, and oh how I loved her for it. “I can’t wait to be in my warm bed,” she sighed. “I can’t wait to see you in that dress tomorrow” I thought to myself. As we approached our door, I looked at my watch again. “Shit, midnight,” I muttered to myself. Without missing a beat, “ Late for a date with Rosie?” “ Yeah and you better not keep BOB waiting!” I was the second one through the door. I felt a sharp blow to my head, and as my world went black, all I could hear was Erica screaming. How sad it is that we spent extra on sound proofing…
Chillin'
As far content, you did good job. We all can relate to unrequited love and being the friend in love with another friend. I like being inside the mind of Alex. What/who are BOB and Rosie Palm? Sounds like sex toys but I could be wrong. The TBC ending is nice because I want to find out happens next.
In the first sentence, I think you meant to write "a part" apart means to separate into pieces. The line where Alex is watching her and her looks are described, the part he longs for them to be more but it's not meant to be, that should be a new sentence.
When Alex first speaks it should be a new paragraph the same goes for Erica's dialogue too. There needs to be an apostrophe in "sister's wedding" and "let's". This is a personal nitpick for me but I think you should indicate who said a line of dialogue even it is just the two of them. Like this, “All right Alex let's head home," she said. In the second half/paragraph of this chapter the first two lines of dialogue only needs that indication (he said/she said). After that it's obvious they're only talking to each other.
The second paragraph needs to be split into smaller paragraphs because they are talking to each other and he's also thinking to himself (that dialogue should be in italics) It was kind of confusing and overwhelming to read all of it in one big paragraph.