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She just learned that Clooney was fucking her mother the other night.
"Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just... oh, yup, that's a gun. Fuck."
"I drew up some poster mock-ups for the sequel. Wanna see? I call it 'THE FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC MR. CLOONEY'.
Sorry, dear. I need breasts I can cup like THIS. Clooney don't wanna be graspin' at no kiwis.
"Damn that Jeff Bridges! Now what am I supposed to do with these business cards that say 'GEORGE CLOONEY, TWO-TIME ACADEMY AWARD-WINNING ACTOR'?
Yes, I got my tongue pierced and yes, it's a little infected. But goddamn it. I feel hott.
I'm thinking of being the next James Bond and I'm looking for the next Pussy Galore. If you're interested call this number.
You can have your stupid vibrator! And you know what? It WILL smell like poo! You know why? Yeah, you do. Mmmhmmm. Yeeeaaah!
"Sorry babe, but your time is up. Girls are only supposed to be with me for three years. You will self-destruct in three... two..."
"And this button makes my bowtie spin. It will be so cool when I win!"
Yeah babe, me too. I can't believe that Jim Law thought he had a shot in the Oscar Pool. He's Candadian, what the hell does he know about anything except legal drugs, mountains, glaciers, and Labatt's?
"Never thought I would but I'm about to show a photo of your mother and I when we fucked. Her vag was like tossing a hot dog down a hallway"
Quick, pull the car around! I just took a dump in my pants and this is Brad's tux!
"Honey, take this and run home! I need to update my March Madness bracket. Quickly!!"
"Take this joint and shove it up your ass! I saw Security looking at me funny."
"Listen, anytime you're ready to get rid of that joker Tony Parker, you just call the number that's on this card. (reaches into pocket) I mean c'mon, I was the goddamn Batman for fuck's sake!"
George clooney about to pull out the secret to get any girls vag...a card that says bitch I'm george clooney
Fuck that! I'm not taking that bet. Of course Jim's gonna laugh if I put "vag" in my caption!
I am SO the most handsome man alive! Here is my documentation to prove it!
FOR THE LAST TIME THAT WASNT ME IN THE FUCKING KILLER TOMATOES MOVIE!!!
"Here, take the keys and pull the car up front! Rusty is backstage. Turk is under the stage. Tess is disguised as that horse-faced actress again. And that tiny ass Asian is somewhere up in the fucking vents. We aren't leaving here without every goddamn one of those golden statues!"
Really, I was the best Batman in the series. What? You don't believe me? Look at this picture of me in my costume. I mean, the nipples on my costume alone were awesome enough that I should have won an Oscar.
Pregnant!? Here's the card of a good abortionist he's helped me out several times in the past.
Sing it with me -- "Doe, a deer! A female de--" goddamn it. MIDDLE C! Where's my pitch pipe?
I'm a pretty big deal. I have many leather bound books, and my apartment smells of rich mahogany. My name is George but my friends...and lovers call me "Peacemaker".
"Do you need to see his picture again? I've already told you a thousand times, you do as I say and your son will live. If you play along, we can both get a happy ending. Capisce?"
I'm going to spoil the surprise. The only thing I'm pulling out of the pocket is a middle-finger.
No, no. Soften the jaw, and no teeth. Unless you wanna suck dick like you're raking leaves.
They've got a porno version ALREADY? What's it called, Fantastic Mr. Cocks? ...Wait, that's actually the title? Fuck me...
Wow, great side-boob tonight, babe. Hold on, let me get my phone out and take a picture.
Please don't call me by my real name, it destroys the reality I'm trying to create.
This is bullshit casting! How can he play Captain America when he was already Johnny Storm?!
Where's my Vaseline? I'm still sore from when Mo'Nique gave me that purple nurple.
Yes!!! I know they are gerbils. It's a little crazy. I bought them off Richard Gere in the bathroom.
LET'S PUT an expression of concern, awareness or a look convincing enough to fool people into thinking you're smart enough not to star in a Deuce Bigalow movie...ON THAT FACE!
Only Clooney can hand a women a condom and tell her shell know wut to do with it when the time is right
Remember when that farmer used my tail as a tie? Well I want you to wear my dick on your face
Theres some weird Mexican yelling Im escare over there, you must have sex with me to survive
Things He might be saying:
*I told them i wanted hallie berry
*Hey sorry i couldent kill batman bitch
*Alright im getting your money, i cant win an oscer this year now i got to pay for a date god what happen to me
*I wounder if i brought that roofy
Things She might be thinking/saying:
*for a guy who played batman your kind of a jurk
George: Fuck Elisabetta! Here's another hundred, but this habit of yours is going to bankrupt me!
Elisabetta: I almost had the stuffed pink bunny but now it's loose! If only the crane didn't spin so much.
Elisabetta: But George, the monkey keeps hitting me with the barrels when I try to jump over them!
George: Okay, but this is my last dollar and that's it!
George: Damnit Elisabetta, what did I tell you?! NEVER tell Matt Damon he can't shove something up his ass!!! You know how much money Brad Pitt lost to him during Ocean's 12??? I don't care how many statues The Hurt Locker won, that's a bet you'll never win!!!
Seriously, call him. Best implant specialist around. How do you think I filled out the Bat tits?
You've got Clooney juice on your chin. How many times have I told you to check the mirror post-beej?
"thank god I found you here, you forgot to take your morning after pill"
"So here's my agent's card. He's the one who handles pregnacy rumors and postcoital meets. Get in touch with him and we'll see what we can do from there..."
"Yeah I have Brad Pitt's phone number here, but you've got some pair of cojones asking me for it. Don't look at me like that, it's just an expression!"
"Here, take my Batman credit card. Get out of a town, lay low for awhile, and keep your mouth shut about what happened last night!"
That guy from Tron will not stop bragging about his Oscar. That's it I'm going Batman on his ass!
Well there's only one option left: Ocean's Fourteen. Go Go Gadget Agent!
Clooney:
Hurry, you don't have much time!
Elisabetta:
What are you talking about?
Clooney:
You have 7 weeks, 8 weeks tops...
Elisabetta:
What the hell are you talking about?
Clooney:
LOST! It's almost over, you're running out of time!!!
You have no idea whats at stake for your sci-fi well being.
Here, take the login for my netflix, catch up as fast as you can!
Call me when they first open the hatch...I want to hear, nay, NEED to hear your reaction
"I can't believe you forgot the tickets! Now how are we supposed to get in?"
And no matter how much they beg, never, NEVER feed them after midnight!
Is George Clooney gonna have to smack a bitch...where's my baby powder
All my ex-girlfriends are here so shut up and try to act as if you didn't know. Put these glasses on..so the press will think you are intelligent.
Run for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs and I've been to too many parties.
"I actually carry my own side-bood autograph marker set. Did you want Salt-N-Pepa gray?"
I told those assholes at Tecate that I am the most interesting man alive! Time to pop a cap in someone's ass!
"I don't see why I have to hold your vibrator. You've got two perfectly good places to hold this in."
"I've got something in my front pocket, for youuuu / Why don't you reach into my front pocket, and see what it isss! / Then grab onto it, it's just for youu / Give it a little squeeze and say how do you doooo / There's something in my front pocket, there's something in my front pocket, there's SOMETHING in my front pocket!"
First, you make me carry your tampons. Then you make me take them out in front of everybody.
I have Quentin's mouth guard in here somewhere. Will you please put it in your mouth. And Fut the shuck up!
I'm George Clooney. My mom's Rosemary. I'm not Christian Bale's dad. No I'm not a Rogain model. Remember ER. Damn just forget it. This used to be easier.
I'm not Valet, but I'll take your God Damn car keys! Fuck you very much!
No, seriously. I've got Pitt's balls right here in my pocket. Angelina sold them to me. You want them so bad... take them!
"Here are the keys, baby. Don't wait up."
"What? Where are you going?"
"It's the bat signal, I gotta go. Fucking Schwarzenneger's probably running amuck again."
Look your starting to get a lil to old for me.. Its time we move on. Tissue? I thought you might need one.
"Fine. You Win. Here's $1000. But I still don't think Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson should have won for best kiss."
Of course its okay to hit a women in the face!! They have faces don't they!!
"You mention those goddamn nipples again I'm going to stab you with a pen. In fact, you know what? Once is more than enough" [reaches into back pocket]
Women aren't the only ones who have to sleep their way to the top. I had to nail Tootie on the Facts of Life to get the part. I had to nail Rosanne.I've been on two different shows called ER. So yeah, fuck you, babe. I deserve another Oscar.
George: "Shit, I must have left my wallet at home. One of us needs to take care of that bar tab and I only suck dick for fun."
What?! You'd rather fuck Jim Law of The JoBlo Movie Podcast? Well fuck it, here's his number then.
Clooney: No No No No! Forget Christian Bale, I AM BATMAN for the 100th time, look I'll even show you my bat credit card I used in the movie
Hurry and take this to the Academy before they vote. It's a note saying that Up and Coraline promote pedophilia and child abduction... Just don't let them Hurt Locker you...
"Do you even know what I'm capable of?! I went from the likes of ER and Roseanne to the big leagues, baby. The big leagues!"
Yes, I da CLOONEY! Look I gotta go do this press thing. Here's my card, call me later baby. (whistle, click, click)
What do you mean you don't know who I am? I am George Fucking Clooney! From Dusk Till Dawn? ER? Oceans Whatever? The Return of the Killer Tomatoes? Seriously, the straightest guys want to get it on with me.. here take my card!
Your funniest caption for the above pic could win you a copy of THE FANTASTIC MR. FOX on DVD or Blu-ray (your choice!) from the JoBlo Movie Podcast. Contest ends this Friday @ midnight (EST). North American entries only please. Good Luck!