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"Look, Max, this costume is so that the cops don't catch me again, so just give your Uncle Stevie a fucking hug!
"Want some candy? Just unzip my pants, close your eyes, and open your mouth..." *sirens* "Alright kid the play ground is down the street and to the left"
A scene from last weeks episode of To Catch A Predator : Wild Things Edition...Chris Hansen got his ass kicked and the decoy was raped
"There's an old Italian saying Max: you fuck up once, you lose two teeth."
"You're looking good Max."
"Carol, if you're gonna lie to me, tell me there's a broad in the car waiting to lick my balls"
"Hey Max, You want that, it's a phone call away."
What's the deeaal with cab drivers in the desert? Trying to find a cab in the desert is kinda like finding the clitoris. Your mouth's gonna get really dry, you can't ask for directions, and you know if you don't find anything, you're walking home.
"So, I walked into the ladies washroom, yanked open my jacket and gave the ladies a BIG surprise."
Max:"I'm Max. I'm an explorer. I traveled by sea. I used to travel by air....."
Carol: "Yea kid we can use that to traffic the wild stuff, this is going to be a place where only the things I want to happen, would happen." "I run this island, no more dog eat dog capice?"
Max: "I have no plans to eat anyone."
I will name him George, and I will hug him and pet him and squeeze him...
After the extreme fight Max had put up against the 8 Irish Car Bombs..The fat chick at the bar would get no cuter on this night. He dropped his guard and took one for the team. He stared into her yellow eyes without blinking once. He was king of all the wild things. Taking her home to the sheets for a "wild rumpus"
Carol: and then they all have their guns like this!!!
Max: And then what happened?
Carol: Well, they all shot each other, Mr. Orange admitted he was a cop, Mr. White shot him, and the police burst through the doors. Fucking awesome, right?!
"So there I am, sitting in a booth with my family, listening to Journey, trying to decide between the $5 shake and "Shirley Temple" and BOOM!! Everything goes black. Next thing I know I'm in the world's largest litter box and look like Lars von Triers' Garfield!"
"I once caught a fish...................THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG!!!"
So I think I need a haircut... I'm thinking corn rolls. What do you think??
I was so pissed when I saw that trailer! If Taken is Taken... then this was MISS-Taken.
MAX : Not another dick joke....
-long pause-
CAROL : It's my dick in a box!
What do you mean it wasn't you?! Look around! We're in the middle of the fucking desert! Who else took that loud-ass smelly fart??!
You step on my tail one more time... and i'm going to kick you in your junk... how about that?
Carol: What do you say, Max? You want a shot at the title??... Bottom line. I will knock you the fuck out.
Max: Two hits: Me hitting you, you hitting the floor.
"How can you possibly wear that costume out here in the desert?"
"How can you survive out here covered in fur?"
"I'm used to it! But you... you should really take that off."
"I'm not taking off my costume."
"Please take it off."
Spike Jonze: CUT! Damn it, Gandolfini! I've told you, the kid is not taking off his clothes. Just do the scene like it's written!
Carol: So, I really don't understand why you imagined us this way. Why would you imagine a whole bunch of people who hate you? Most kids are fantasizing about being loved and famous.
Max: Most kids don't have Spike Jonze directing their fantasies.
Carol: Yeah, I rip things off when I'm upset. Ever wonder why the guys don't have any penis's?
Carol: Isn't it amazing?
Max: It's just a desert.
Carol: You keep talking and it's gonna be your grave you little shit.
What the fuck is this shit? A fucking wire? Youre dead you little shit
That's right bitch!!! I am taking home best costume this year. Did you really think you were going to win kid. You are wearing a fucking pair of ratty-ass pajamas with a cheap-ass Burger King crown. Get a fucking imagination!!!!
What the fuck, Max?! I asked you if needed to go before we left the house! You either hold it in or pick a spot behind a bush! And I don't care if you shit in your pjs. I'm not missing 2 for 1 lap dances at the Wild Thing strip club.
Hey, I warned you. Hairballs are a necessary hazard of blowin' the king.
I don't know how Scooby and Shaggy do it! I mean, the sandwich is THIS BIG and they just squeeze it into a freakin' Lunchable bite! It defies all physics.
MAX: You know what you are? You're like a big bear with claws and with fangs...
CAROL: ...big fucking teeth, man.
MAX: Yeah... big fuckin' teeth on ya'. And she's just like this little bunny, who's just kinda cowering in the corner.
CAROL: Shivering?
MAX: Yeah, man just kinda... you know, you got these claws and you're staring at these claws and your thinking to yourself, and with these claws you're thinking, "How am I supposed to kill this bunny, how am I supposed to kill this bunny?"
CAROL: Am I poking at it?
MAX: Yeah, you're not hurting it. You're just kinda gently batting the bunny around, you know what I mean? And the bunny's scared Carol, the bunny's scared of you, shivering.
CAROL: Well I got these fucking claws and these fangs...
MAX: And you got those fucking claws and those fangs, man! And you're looking at your claws and you're looking at your fangs. And you're thinking to yourself, you don't know what to do, man. "I don't know how to kill the bunny." With *this* you don't know how to kill the bunny, do you know what I mean?
CAROL: I'm like a big bear, man.
MAX: You know what you are? You're like a big bear with claws and fangs...
MAX: You know, you got those claws and you're staring at those claws and your thinking to yourself, and with those claws you're thinking, "How am I supposed to kill this bunny, how am I supposed to kill this bunny?"
Max could not believe what he had discovered.He had heard that Big Bird was down on his luck after Jim Henson died. He just could not imagine what Crystal Meth could do to bird. Big Bird explained the tricks he had to turn for drugs, but then the real shock. He had AIDS too! Looking back on 40yrs of Sesame Street... it all made sense.
Max: Don't kill me! Don't kill me, man!
Carol: I'm not going to kill you. I want you to do me a favor. I want you to tell all your friends about me.
Max: What are you?
Carol: I'm Batman.
Carol: Holy shit I see a little kid. This is the best fucking weed ever!
NO IM NOT BECOMING A JEHOVAH'S YOU LITTLE COCK SUCKER, STOP FUCKING FOLLOWING ME
Sorry, Max. I just don't think it's appropriate to go to SeaWorld at a time like this...
And then the Smoke Monster from Lost took on a new form to scare away that creepy little kid. Unfortunately, he was more cuddly than ever.
"And I would have gotten away with it, too! If it wasn't for you meddling KID!"
Carol: That's right, bro. Right here's the SITUATION right here.
Max: (eye roll) That's so last month.
Cut me some slack, kid. I'm the only horny creature out there that society doesn't frown upon having a "wild rumpus" with you.
Max watched in agony as Michael Bay mercilessly raped his childhood with the final action sequence in Transformers 2. To rub it in even further, this is the kind of nostalgia he could have saved by switching to Geico.
You know you done fucked up, don't you? You know it, don't you? You know you done fucked up.
What? I'm supposed to be scared now that you pull out a pistol muthafucka? I just spent five muthafuckin' years in the joint... I told ya I pay yo monkey-ass when I feel like it! better suck my dick!
The fuck you mean you ain't got my money yet? The fuck you *mean* you don't got my money *yet*? You best pay me my motherfuckin' money.
CAROL: Why is it every time you talk about a female you gotta say bitch, ho, or hootchie?
MAX: 'Cause that's what you are.
You ain't shit. You just like your daddy. You don't do shit, and you never gonna amount to shit. All you do is eat, sleep, and shit.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... stop right there. Eatin' a bitch out, and givin' a bitch a foot massage ain't even the same fuckin' thing.
"Well, when you figure out a better way to find Jabba's Palace, you just let me know, OK?"
"What was that you said earlier? I'd sooner get Munson'd out here in the middle of nowhere..."
My mother was a sandworm from Dune and my father is James Gandolfini, so I've got connections bitch
Max : "Where are we going?"
Carol: "Two words: Fuckin' Thunderdoooooooooooooooome!"
Look it wasnt my fault that you dont listen to the podcast. If you had, I wouldnt have to blow your fucking brains out and leave you for the fucking buzzards to pluck out your fucking balls. Mr Law sends his regards bitch BOOOM
What Max didnt know was this was all really an elaborate by his mother to abandon his ass in the desert
"Can you show on the doll where the wild thing touched you Moreno?" was what was later asked in court when Moreno was a child
a Kansas City Shuffle is when everybody looks right... and you go left.
The funniest caption for the above pic will win a DVD/Blu-ray combo pack edition of WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE from The JoBlo Movie Podcast. Contest ends this Friday @ midnight (EST). North American residents only please.