Ray: "Bobby, wanna cannoli?"
Bobby: "Sure...Dude that's a finger."
Ray: "Oh yeah, sorry...Joey, wanna cannoli?"
Joey: "No thank you. You guys think I should do Home Alone 3?"
Bobby: "Nah, I think you should let your career disappear into a vast and meaningless void. HAHA."
Joey: "Dude, you KNOW VERY WELL that I am INSECURE about my CAREER CHOICES."
Bobby: "Yes, and we're all so glad you graced us with your presence in the 1997 classic Gone Fishin', a personal favorite of mine."
Joey: "I am a HIGHLY RESPECTED, Oscar-winning actor, SIR!"
Bobby: "Don't tell ME about winning OSCARS. I have TWO, including one for BEST ACTOR."
Joey: "Yeah? Was that for Shark Tale or Meet the Fockers?"
Bobby: "I enjoyed filming Fockers A LOT. OKAY?!!1"
Joey: Or was it for ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE??"
- pause -
Bobby: "...That digs, man. That digs deep."
Joey: "....I....I'm sorry, Bobby. I know you wanted to keep that in the past."
Bobby: "No, it's okay. I deserve it. I am truly a shell of a man."
Joey: "Come here, give unkie Joey a hug. Come here."
Bobby: "I just did it for the money. I'm nothing but a whore."
Joey: "Shhh, rest your head on my chest. Shh..."
Bobby (Sobbing): "You did it the right way, avoiding the spotlight. People RESPECT you now, man. For the love of all things good and holy, I played a gay pirate. A GAY PIRATE. What....what have I done?"
Joey: "Baby mine, don't you cry. Baby mine, dry your eyes. Rest your head close to my heart. Never to part, baby of mine."
Ray: "..."
Joey: "Little one when you play, don't you mind what you say. Let those eyes sparkle and shine. Never a tear, baby of mine."
Ray: "....."
Joey: "If they knew sweet little you, they'd end up loving you too. All those same people who scold you, what they'd give just for the right to hold you."
Ray: "........"
Joey: "From your head to your toes. You're not much, goodness knows. But you're so precious to me, cute as can be, baby of mine."
Ray: ".......the fuck?"
DeNiro: You got SnowCaps?! Who the fuck is giving out SnowCaps?! I just got a bunch of fuckin' Baby Ruth!
Pesci: I'll eat your Baby Ruths.
DeNiro: No, you fuckin' won't.
Liotta: Neither of you fuckers is eating my SnowCaps.
Just like Jim Law said, we could win, all we had to do was listen to the fucking podcast
Pesci: You want this caption contest to be funny? What's funny about it? Is it funny like a clown, does it amuse you? It's here to make you laugh, to fuckin' amuse you?
Jim Law: No, it's... it's to get people to listen to the podcast...
Pesci: How the fuck am I supposed to be funny? What the fuck is so funny about me? Tell me what's funny!
Jim Law: I'm sorry! You don't have to be funny.
Moreno: You motherfucker! You got him! Ya stuttering prick, Jim!
Liotta: Check this out...I got the head of the REAL Henry Hill. Ssshhhhh, Scorsese doesn't know even though we're being filmed right now.
DeNiro: Impressive. But I thought I told you to bring me my "Idiot's Guide to Crying Onscreen?" Tommy's supposed to die soon, and I can't seem to cry onscreen very well.
Pesci: Did you at least pick me up a snack?
That fucker ocelot_snake thinks he can photoshop Moreno's head on me get away with it? Well we stole his bust, and we'll jack that Blu-ray Goodfellas. Fuck what Law said about having to listen to the podcast to win
Do I look like a clown to you? Yes I do, hence the clown outfit in the bag for you
"We got the heads of all the guys who keep entering the caption contest in this bag ... minced meat, fit em all in!"
(Yes I know mine doesn't know count)
Did you just grab my ass, Jimmy?
Did you???
It's ok if you did but I just want you to know that you're barking up the wrong fucking tree.
"...and for you Bob-O, a signed copy of Dungeon Siege! Better yet two copies!!"
"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts
There they are all sitting in my bag
big ones, small ones, some as big as your head
give 'em a twist
a flick of the wrist..."
Henry showed the head of Mega Shark to Tommy and Jimmy, and now it was safe to start trafficking out west.
Jimmy opened the bag to show Johnny the booze he got.
"Nice" whispered Johnny, making Jimmy giggle.
Henry: Ive got those bootleg copies of General Hospital, the James Franco episodes
Jimmy: Very nice
Moreno and Law in the distance: FRANCO!
Henry: The job is done, I stole all the Alvin and the Chipmunks stuff from Jim Laws kid.
Jimmy: Nice work, now that Jim Law guy owes us, and if he doesn't pay up, we give the stuff back to the kid and then some
johnny:thats some nice craftsmenship in those bronzed anal beads ya got there
jimmy:ya shell love that as a valentines day present thats nice...classy
henry...uhm theyre not for her
Henry: Hey guys check out what just "fell" of the truck...
Tommy: Is that...
Henry: Yup
Jimmy: eh, not bad.
Tommy: Copies of "JoBlo.com Presents... The 50 Coolest Movies of All Time." Score!
Henry Hill: "Yeah so I got a couple of.. hey, Jimmy, has anyone ever told you that you look stupid when you do that face.?"
When Henry pitched his version of "three guys, one bag", Jimmy and Tommy couldn't help but be a bit intrigued
"If there was one thing that brought us together on a weekly basis...Netflix new release Tuesdays!"
Jim Law: "See...I tell them I read all their comments...but really, I am just picking the names out of a bag."
Moreno: "You...You're good you."
Joe Pesci: "From My Cousin Vinny to this?...Fuck my life..."
Deniro: "...and then we just set the bag on fire and leave it on Lorraine Bracco's stoop?"
Liotta: "that's when the hilarity ensues!"
The first season of Jersey Shore! NO WAY! Can someone say sleepover because we're goinna be beatin'-up-the-beat alll night long!!
heres that bootleg jimmy, but what the fuck is shutter island and who the fuck is leo?
Ray: "Yeah that's right, it's a strap-on"
DeNiro: "You gonna whack a guy with it?"
Pesci: "My girlfriend would love this, can I have it?"
Ray: "How about I chop yours off and put it in a bag for you?"
DeNiro: "Then you both could go around whackin guys"
*Pesci then goes into crazy rage mode and shoots everyone*
We never did find out what happened to Gwyneth Paltrow's head after SE7EN ended.
Henry: Check out these Swedish meatballs I got from IKEA
Jimmy: You know I bought a Flarke from there for my Jane Austin book collection. Fuckin Beautiful!
Tommy: Whoah, are you sayin Jane Austin's better than Herman Melville you fuckin mick?
Jimmy: What?! No, I'm just sayin...
Tommy: You's just sayin what?
Jimmy: The fucks wrong with you Tommy?
Henry: Yeah Tommy you've got anger issues. Let me get you some frozen yogurt.
"Oranges, you got me fucking oranges?! What is this? A Mario Puzo book? You trying to foreshadow something happening to me, you goombah? I'll break your legs! I'll break your legs put 'em back together then break them again YOU FUCK!"
...
"Ohhh, they are tangerines. My bad ..."
Hank: Be careful with this, it's illegal in nine countries... Yep, it's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good.
Jimmy: Hank, I'm gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline.
Hank: Yep, They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time it works, every time.
Tommy: Now THAT's funny.
Henry: Whatever you hear, stay away! Tommy has the upper hand!
Jimmy: What's in the bag?
"the mobs secret weapon.......a bag full of ashlee simpson cd's, OH THE HORROR!"
Bobby eyes Liotta's 'Muppets from Space' payout. His career would never be the same.
"You guys wanna see how much of my arm I can fit in this bag?"
"Macy's was doing a buy 2, get 1 free on starched collars and pocket squares..."
"You just slide it through this hole, Im calling it Dick In A Bag. What do u think?"
"Jimmy, Tommy....I gots the 20th anniversary edition of Patton on VHS. We'll watch it after Tyson knocks that punk Douglas out."
"Hey Bobby, Here's a script for 'The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle'. Wanna take a look?"
...and with these matching tiger-print silk ascots i got us people will see that we are three cool cats you don't want to mess with!
DeNiro: Meh, do I really need something like that, I already got the smaller version
Pesci: I don't know, it is from apple
Liotta: Look, I can carry my book library around everywhere I go, that's all I care about.
You want Na'vi porn? I've got it right here. Forty bucks a pop, or three for a hundred. I'll even throw in the 3D glasses.
Liotta - Come on. It's really a great script.
De Niro - Uh, I just don't know 'bout anything called "Operation Dumbo Drop."
Pesci - All right, all right. We'll watch it. But only 'cause it's got Danny Glover.
Liotta to De Niro - Hey look! I found out where Pesci careers been hiding since Casino!
".... so then they all shout 'The Aristocrats!' By the way, my hand is stuck."
DeNiro : "Where's my biscuit? Where's my fucking biscuit, Henry? I asked you for a FUCKING BISCUIT, DIDN'T I? NOW HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO ENJOY MY CHICKEN IF I DON'T GOT NO FUCKING BISCUIT?"
Liotta : "Well, you got the green beans..."
DeNiro : "FUCK THE BEANS"
Ray: You'll never guess what I found on the clearence rack at A View To Video.
De Niro: Banned illegal Tracies Lords movies from before she was 18?
Pesci: Ooh Navy Seals, the blue-ray directors cut!
'We got all your favorites on Blu-Ray just like you asked Bobby; Raging Bull, Taxi Driver, Deer Hunter, Cape Fear....'
Liotta: That gentlemen, is my dick in a bag.
Pesci: The bow is a nice touch.
De Niro: I'm sure she'll love it.
Ray: I swear to god, Madona's pussy is just like this bag. I fit my whole damn arm in it, just like this.
Bobby: Holly shit, I think Joe could reinact his birth with a thing like that!
Joe: I'm going to to try it breached this time guys!
Ray Liotta (while trying to get his lunch out of his bag while on break from a scene): "Ummm, can I fucking help you two? I'm trying to eat here!"
Henry Hill: "Here Jimmy, I got you an even more Tyler Durden-esque jacket."
Tommy: "What did you get me, Henry?"
Henry and Jimmy: "....."
Henry: "Does my going almost elbow deep remind you of anyone, Jimmy?"
Jimmy: "Yeah, meh. Sure. Yea, you could say that. Hehe"
Tommy: "Coooool...."
Remember Point Break? Well, were going to rob banks too,but were going to be wearing Johnny Moreno: the pedophile edition masks complete with creepy mustache and sweat
I know how bad you want an Oscar, Bobby, so I picked one up for you at Tom Hank's garage sale.
I told you to put a bag over her head when you fuck her Henry!! Not to put her head in a fucking bag!!! I knew I should not have sent Jimmy with you.
Henry: Yup!!! It's the first season of the Jersey Shore on DVD!!!
Tommy: I fucking love that little bitch...Snookie, Snickers... whatever the fuck her name is!
Jimmy: I want to shoot the fucking abs off that Situation kid!!! I livedout the fucking Jersey Shore. Where is my fucking money!!!!
Henry: Yup!!! It's the first season of the Jersey Shore on DVD!!!
Tommy: I fucking love that little bitch...Snookie, Snickers... whatever the fuck her name is!
Jimmy: I want to shoot the fucking abs off that Situation kid!!! I lived out the fucking Jersey Shore. Where is my fucking money!!!!
Henry: Yup!!! It's the first season of the Jersey Shore on DVD!!!
Tommy: I fucking love that little bitch...Snookie, Snickers... whatever the fuck her name is!
Jimmy: I want to shoot the fucking abs off that Situation kid!!! I lived out the fucking Jersey Shore. Where is my fucking money!!!!
Hey, look at all the cans of Chef Boy-Ar-Dee Beefaroni I bought on sale at Costco!
Funniest caption wins a 20th Anniversary Edition of GOODFELLAS on Blu-ray from the JoBlo Movie Podcast. Deadline is this Friday @ midnight. North American residents only please.