Machete

Not so long ago, In April of 2007, the Robert Rodriguez/Quentin Tarantino double feature GRINDHOUSE shook up the movie theaters with its unconventional (for todays standards that is) filmmaking techniques and over-the-top plotlines. It even featured fake movie trailers before their respective exploitation features. One of these fake trailers was called MACHETE (which Rodriguez also directed) and it was considered by many who saw GRINDHOUSE as the the most memorable part of the double-feature (not a real compliment, seeing how it was the first part of the movie). It was so popular in fact, that Rodriguez and his longtime assistant editor Ethan Maniquis decided to take the existing 3 minutes of fake trailer footage and make an actual 100 minute movie around it. Now, 3 1/2 years later, the feature length version of MACHETE is upon audiences. All I can say is: it should've stayed as a fake trailer.

"Where were you?! You could have at least texted me!"
"Machete don't text."

Much like an actual movie trailer, MACHETE is all piecemeal. A non-sensical hodgepodge of loud noices, one-liners, and money shots. And as most people can attest to, many trailers are often better than the actual movie in question.

The openng sequence was painfully, embarrasingly bad. I realize that the movie wasn't to be taken seriously and the prolouge (of sorts) is intended to be a litmus test for those who can take over-the-top violence and gratuitous nudity. But, Rodriguez could've gone about a differnt route to please the fanboys with this sequence instead of chopping off appendages aplenty (using that lame-o CGI blood technique that filmmakers are using ad nauseum these days) and having a naked woman pull a cell phone out of her nethers before being shot in the head (what the effin' fuck?).

The opening sequence was presented Grindhouse-style (i.e. film scratches/dirt, etc.) but the rest of the feature was not. Make up your damn mind Robert, pick a stlye and stick to it. After the opening credits, Rodrguez attempts to begin structuring a story around his fake trailer; He even uses the exact same shots from it (except where he couldn't/didn't get the origianl actors to appear). Sadly instead of a story, he instead chose to make MACHETE into a $20 million flick that's one-half inside joke to GRINDHOUSE fans and the other half; a cram-it-up-my-ass political statement about the atroscity of blantant racists cracking down on illegal immigration. I'm sick to death of listening to this shit on TV, I don't go to a mindless action flick to hear a writer/director wax "poetic" about how "Mexicans didn't cross the border, the border crossed them". All these lame-ass jabs at good-ol' boy racism in Texas is personified in the character of Senator McLaughlin (Robert DeNiro offering a generous peformance in a terribly written role).

In my humble opinion, when I go to see a tounge-in-cheek explotation flick with the intent to have a good time, the last thing I expect to see is a man murdering a pregnant woman in cold blood. But that's just one of the many nasty moments littlered throughout the first reel alone of this flick; not my idea of a fun time, nor should it be anyone else's.

My other major complaint that attributes to MACHETE's scattershot story, is that it has waaaaaaaaaay too many characters; villians in particular. Like Rodriguez's ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO, there are so many villains admisdt the absurdly complex plot that I gave up trying to understand who was who and gave up on the film entirely (seriously, what was that movie about? and what the fuck was the deal with Johnny Depp's character?) Also like ONCE UPON, it was suppossed to be about Antonio Banderas' mariachi, when in fact it was everything but. Machete is just there to be there and despite Trejo's bad-ass mofo appearance, fails to make himself stand out among the cluttered ensemble of ham-it-up baddies who got far more screen time then they should have. First there is Torrez (Steven Seagal, unflatteringly-dressed as always speaking with a loony spanish accent) the man who killed Machete's family; Booth (Jeff Fahey) a well-dressed man who offers Machete a questionable proposistion; Booth's mono-syllabic henchmen (Shea Whigham & Tom Savini); then you have Don Johnson proving to be of no use to this movie whatsoever and looking like a reject for Elivis auditions for BUBBA HO-TEP (probably appearing here as a favor to his NASH BRIDGES buddy Cheech Marin). Finally there is DeNiro as the blantantly racist Senator, even though I'm not sure if Rodriguez could make up his mind if he was supposed to be a bad guy or just some tragic buffoon.

"How do you text with this thing?"
"I thought Machete don't text"
"Machete improvise."

Anyways, now that I've got my negative rant out of the way, allow me now to accentuate the positives: Trejo is of course the man, and even though he is overshadowed by the mish-mash of characters and action, he still gives it his always-welcome all. Jessica Alba and Michelle Rodriguez certainly look like there are having fun and make forimdable, sexy allies to our no holds barred titular anti-hero. There is an enjoyable running gag involving Booth's working class security guards. Of all the villians in MACHETE, the one that stands out is Jeff Fahey as Booth. I'm so glad to see this superb actor making a most-deserved comeback. He looks the part and sells every slithery line of distrust with wonderful glee. I loved every second he was on-screen. Of course Rodriguez regualar Cheech Marin steals every moment from Trejo & Co. as he has in all the mulit-hyphenate "auteur"'s previous works.

As for the oft-despised Lindsay Lohan, she does her job well considering her ultimatley pointless role, offering up some welcome T&A with co-star Alica Marek as Booth's daughter and wife, respecitvely. Even if her role was only written in to intergrate the money shot of Machete getting it on in the pool with the mother/daughter duo from the fake trailer, I'm always glad to see the underrated Lohan on-screen (on a side note, I'm still a Lohan fan despite her major real-life misbehavin' and I firmly believe she will eventually turn her career around like Drew Barrymore & Robert Downey Jr.).

"Hold on, I'm getting a text from Machete. It says: 'You just fucked with the wrong...mexican.' ....He's coming after us!"

Rodriguez set out to make a mucho-macho be-all-end-all expliotative action flick, and despite some fun moments sprinkled about here and there, was ultimatley a waste of my time. Also Mr. Rodriguez, if you want to make a political statement, write it within a screenplay that can be taken seriously.

"I absolve you of all your sins. Now get the fuck out."

By the way, fellas. If you take your lady to see this movie with you, I can all but guarantee she's gonna bust your balls afterwards. Just FYI.