1. Look, Debbie. You are high off your ass if you think you're coming into that room. If you take one step towards that door, I will tell security there's a crazy chick in a pink dress snatching up babies, ok? So don't even try to come into that room, that's my room now. That little area with the Pepsi machine, that's your area. My room, your area, stay in your area, stay out of my room, back... the... fuck... off.
2. Debbie: Who is that guy? Is that Ben's Rabbi? Is he the one that cuts the penis? Pete: I think it's Matisyahu.
3. What the fuck, man? If I go in there and see fuckin' pubes sprinkled on the toilet seat, I'm gonna fuckin' lose my mind! Last time I went to the bathroom, Jay, I took a shit and my shit looked like a fuckin' stuffed animal!
4. Hey Doc Howard, Ben Stone calling, guess what the fuck's up? Allison is going into labor and you are not fucking here, you know where you're at? Your at a fucking bar mitzvah in San Francisco you motherfucking piece of shit, and you know what I'm gonna have to do now? I'm going have to kill you, I'm gonna pop a fucking cap in your ass. You're dead, you're Tupac, you are fucking Biggie you piece of shit, I hope you fucking die or drop the chair and kill that fucking kid... I hope your plane crashes, peace fucker!
5. Jason: You stay here. Martin: Why? Jason: Cause your face looks like a vagina.
6. See ya... Scorcese on coke.
7. She like-a the way your dick taste.
8. Well......fuck! (This one’s probably not funny out of context, but it’s the way Paul Rudd says it that makes it really funny for me.)
9. Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.
10. You know how they say to never drink and drive? Well, never drink and bone.
11. Ben Stone: Do you want to do it doggie style? Alison Scott: You're not going to fuck me like a dog. Ben Stone: It's doggie style. It's just the style. We don't have to go outside or anything.
12. If any of us get laid tonight, it's because of Eric Bana in "Munich."
13. Pete: Never do what they did. Charlotte: I'm gonna do it... Pete: You are? Uh oh, someone's getting homeschooled.
14. You still got a little dick, Cartman.
15. Hey, don't let the door hit you in the vagina on the way out!
16. Hey, I have a really good idea. Why don't the two of you get into your time machine, go back in time and fuck each other?
17. I'm not gonna go to the end of the fucking line, who the fuck are you? I have just as much of a right to be here as any of these little skanky girls. What, am I not skanky enough for you, you want me to hike up my fucking skirt? What the fuck is your problem? I'm not going anywhere, you're just some roided out freak with a fucking clipboard. And your stupid little fucking rope! You know what, you may have power now but you are not god. You're a doorman, okay. You're a doorman, doorman, doorman, doorman, doorman, so... Fuck You! You fucking fag with your fucking little faggy gloves.
18. I'm only allowed to let in five percent black people. He said that, that means if there's 25 people here I get to let in one and a quarter black people. So I gotta hope there's a black midget in the crowd.
19. Well. I think a stork, he umm, he drops it down and then, and then, a hole goes in your body and there's blood everywhere, coming out of your head and then you push your belly button and then your butt falls off and then you hold your butt and you have to dig and you find the little baby.
20. Now that's how you get pink eye.
21. Fuck you, hormones!
22. Oh, aren't you scared? The way it's gonna come out of your... It's gonna hurt a lot, I bet. Your vagina...
23. 'Cause I want to rip your fucking head off because you're so fucking stupid!
24. I'm like Siegfried and Roy's Bengal. You think I'm trained. I'll bite your fucking face off!
25. From the look of [Julianne Moore's] bush, Short Cuts is the wrong name for that movie.
26. You know what is not helping us get laid is the shoe bomber, Richard Reid, over here at our table.
3. 
You Don't Know Jack is excellent