Texas - Houston (USA)
Professional Couch Sitter
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#1 Movie of All-Time
#1 Romantic Comedy
So I've been exercising regularly for quite a while now. I think it's going good so far. I've been using this DVD called The Biggest Loser: Last Chance Workout with Jillian Michaels. I bought this a few years ago but just never actually used it until now. I've never seen an episode of that show but she's good for this kind of thing. She’s not as evil as I thought she was going to be. She also seems like she really cares that about whether or not we try our hardest at losing this weight. I’ve been doing weekly blood pressure tests that the doctor recommended I do and I realize it was extremely higher than normal. I inherited high blood pressure from my father because he has it too. I started worrying about my health and thinking that I should probably do something. I finally decided a week ago to do finally get into shape and it’s alright so far. The thing is that I can't really motivate myself just because I want to do it just for me and my health or because my mom really wants me to be healthy. Don't get me wrong. I'll do it because it’s good for me and that’s part of the reason why I’m doing it. I just know myself too well, surprisingly. At first, I’ll actually do the exercising and I’ve really pushed myself into it. A week or a month later, I’ll get bored and not want to do it again. I tried exercising in middle and high school but the kids were so cruel to me that I just always felt discouraged and stopped after awhile. Personally, I felt that I had to set a fictional objective to motivate me or else I ain’t doing it.
Because I know that I can't do it on willpower alone, I have to use other techniques to help me actually try to do this or I’m just going to quit. I’ll tell you what I do and I’m very proud of myself for this. You’ll probably laugh but I don’t care because I think it’s the greatest idea I’ve ever come up with since my Jaws animated show when I was a kid. In fact, I think it’s very original and innovative. Whenever I’m in the process of lifting weights or doing some lifts or stretch or whatever because that’s what you have to do in this thing, I like to make a goal that if I can make it to the end of the exercise, Alison Brie will be really impressed with me and marry me after I lose all the weight I can lose. In my mind, she’s standing at this altar waiting for me by herself while holding a bouquet and no one else is there. She also has this smile on her face. I know it’s never going to actually happen. But when I’m trying my best to stretch muscles and all that, it’s a great encouragement tool. I hate exercising so I have to whatever I can to make this a better experience for myself. Other times, it’s Kristen Bell or Elisabeth Harnois, except I just randomly picture their faces instead of the whole wedding thing. As much as I don’t love doing it, it’s more fun if I do that thing I just told you I did. I’m 2 weeks into it so far and it’s going well so far. Only 4 more weeks to go so far! My mood has improved for the better after I exercise instead of just being depressed and lonely like I’ve been feeling for the past year and I think I lost some pounds so far so that's good. All the blood pressure’s lower. I’m going to continue exercising as far as I know. Hopefully, I’ll keep my word on that.
Plot: One young woman deals with her fear of commitment while her sister is getting prepared for her wedding.
Sarah (Lizzy Caplan) is about to move in with her musician boyfriend Kevin (Geoffrey Arend) when she starts having doubts. When she gets a surprise proposal from Kevin during one of his shows, she declines the offer. When she rejects him, she starts to wonder whether she made the right decision and feels guilt for what she did. Later, she meets Jonathan (Mark Webber), a young customer at the library she works at. Jonathan wants to spend more time with her but she’s having trouble with commitment, which has been done time and time again. Her sister Beth (Alison Brie) is about to get married to Kevin’s bandmate, Andrew (Martin Starr). Beth is also having a lot of trouble keeping it together as she tries to plan the wedding.
The performances were great but the material they’re dealing with isn’t anything special. You can’t really relate to the main character because she’s a real bitch. Lizzy Caplan does a great job in the role though. Alison Brie was the more interesting and relatable character. To the movie’s credit, both characters get equal time. Plus, they have nice chemistry, making them very believable as sisters. It’s a bit slow in parts but I wasn’t so bored that I had to cut it off. It also looks great visually.
Final Thoughts: I only really checked this out because I love Alison Brie. The cast as a whole though is really impressive in it. It’s kind of hard to relate to Lizzy Caplan since she’s an unlikable character so you can’t relate to what she’s going through. Alison Brie really livens this movie up when she appears on screen. It didn’t thrill me or wow me in any way but it made for a decent time.
^ PS One Games: Gran Turismo 2, The Dukes of Hazzard: Racing for Home, Sydney 2000, Worms World Party, Nicktoons Racing, 007 Racing, the very first Grand Theft Auto, Wheel of Fortune, Jeopardy!, Star Wars: Episode 1, The Grinch, and Driver
^ PS2 games: Crazy Taxi, Star Wars: Starfighter, Casper: Spirit Dimensions, Stuntman, The Simpsons Road Rage, State of Emergency, Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, The Getaway, ATV: Quad Power Racing 2, Conflict: Desert Storm, True Crime: Streets of LA, Celebrity Deathmatch, Tony Hawk's Underground, The Simpsons Hit & Run, Reservoir Dogs, Grand Theft Auto, Streetcar Street Challenge, Dance Dance Revolution Supernova, Stuntman: Ignition
^ You may not be able to see it well but this is a puzzle thing with a ball inside I got from Subway from Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island. I've never seen it but if it's anything like this, it's probably a lot of fun.
Plot: An attractive girl who somehow lives as a hermit reunites with her childhood imaginary friend.
Lacey Chabert plays Emma, an artist who keeps to herself. Her therapist husband Brad (Ethan Embry) makes her stay home because apparently she embarasses him too much. When she was a kid, she had a troubled childhood and had an imaginary friend that helped cope through life. In her grown up life, she continues to have some psychological issues that she has to cope with as it causes trouble in her marriage. One day, she starts seeing some attractive blonde woman named Brittany (Amanda Schull) at her house who’s her imaginary friend all grown up. Emma hasn’t seen Brittany in years and they happen to get along really well. When Brad finds out about Emma’s new friend, he tries to do what he can to help her or at least that’s what Emma believes at first. While Emma’s going crazy, Brad tries to get his hands on her inheritance and will stop at nothing to get it. Also, it’s implied a lot throughout the movie that he’s having an affair. What happens with that completely surprised me. The movie takes some time to get going but I loved the twist in the movie. As it keeps going, crazy stuff starts happening. I don’t want to ruin too much because there were some nice surprises. The actors were really good. Lacey Chabert’s still hot after all these years. She’s in a bikini a lot in this movie. Seriously, this movie starts with her in a bikini. The movie doesn’t need these scenes but director Richard Gabai and writer Brian D. Young made it happen and we have him to thank. Paul Sorvino from Goodfellas plays a lawyer and is decent. Ted McGinley has a couple of good scenes as a police officer. I think he was rather underused here but what can you do? The story’s interesting enough to follow and you get invested into what happens. I didn't know what to expect but this was a lot of fun.
Plot: "An Irish rogue wins the heart of a rich widow and assumes her dead husband's position in 18th Century aristocracy."-IMDb
Redmond Barry (Ryan O’Neal) is a young man living in 18th century Ireland with his mother. He develops a crush on his cousin. When an English captain plans to marry her, Redmond challenges the man to a duel and wins. But he is soon forced to leave home and join the army in the meantime. He ends up meeting a rich widow, who he marries after her husband has died. Her son isn’t happy about his new stepdad and is always finding ways to break them apart. The storyline with the son and Barry was really interesting but there’s a whole lot more going that just didn’t grab my attention. I think Stanley Kubrick is a great director and I’m fine with whatever he wanted to do with this movie. It’s just whatever I was supposed to get from this movie was completely lost on me. I had really high expectations going into this and I was really expecting to enjoy it more than I did. The actors were great. The movie was nice to look at. I just found it so boring. It was extremely slow. I’m all for slow pacing in a movie but I almost fell asleep at one point. I was really expecting to connect to this one. I just couldn’t really see what I was supposed to get out of watching this. I felt really cold throughout. It’s not the worst movie ever made yet I was still disappointed. I actually tried to watch it again to make sure I was right about how I felt. This was not an easy task as I didn’t even finish it the second time. I’m probably in the minority about how I feel about it. If you’re curious about it, check it out and see for yourself. Maybe you'll react differently to it.
I had a dream last night similar to that Emma Stone one where I was living in the house from my old neighborhood for some reason yet again. Random people kept coming to the gate of the house one by one. I went to talk to each of them for awhile and then they left to do whatever. At the end of the dream, Deborah Ann Woll showed up at the gate and I went to talk to her. I had to do something inside the house before talking to her. Apparently, what I had to do that was more important than talking to Deborah. Although I don’t what it was, I just I had to do it. I had to do it even if I don’t know what “it” is. I literally can’t tell you what it was. All I did was walk around the house and then go back outside to talk to her. Our conversation went on for quite a while. I have no idea what we talked about. She left eventually to go somewhere else. Yet again, there's another attractive woman I can't even have sex with in my dreams. There's never anything sexual in these kind of dreams. It’s not like I’m about to get it on with these girls and the dream just stops right before the act is about to happen like every sitcom does. Literally, sex is the last thing we’re thinking about in this dream. We just talk gibberish because I don't know what's being said or mentioned. Maybe it's some deeper meaning that I don't get. With all the porn I watch, my dreams better get more impressive. Dreams, I’m very disappointed in you. You need to start including penetration or you’re losing me. At the very least, some softcore porn type of sex. I don’t ask for much, dream sex is all I’m asking for. Can you do that, dreams? Sure, there was those two separate dreams where I had sex with Alicia Silverstone and Jennifer Jason Leigh when I was 13. But that was a long time ago. I still don’t get what the dreams I’m having now mean. Is someone out there a dreamologist or something? Why does this keep happening? Does it mean I’m a gentlemen and I like to get to a girl before anything deeper happens? I’ll admit I’m someone who likes to have conversation with a girl even if it doesn’t lead to anything. Am I gay and am just in denial? Although, I doubt it because when I found those Diora Baird nude pictures in Playboy in high school, my bedroom walls were painted white. And we’re not talking about the famed paint brands we all know like Dutch Boy or Glidden. Does it mean we have to go back to the island? Someone get back to me on this. Maybe I’m overreacting but this is like the 3rd time this has happened. I may be completely wrong with my guesses but I’m grasping at straws here. So someone give me an explanation. I don’t get this dream or any of the other similar ones I’ve had. I vaguely remember a dream with Alison Brie once and it also didn’t lead to anything. It was just the two of us talking or something, I barely remember as it didn’t last very long. I don’t get it. This is frustrating. I wish dreams made more sense. WHAT DO THESE DREAMS MEAN?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There’s some dream I had years ago and it’s been on my mind a lot lately. I heard somewhere that it's good to write down your dreams. I don't know why but here it goes. This dream started where I was in bed and I woke up after I heard some weird noises downstairs. It turned out some people broke into my house and was stealing stuff from the drawers and eating stuff from the kitchen. Only they weren’t people, they were giant rats moving on two feet. I think there were four of them. It looked like bad rat costumes. That picture you see is the closest to how they looked like. They were so bad looking and obviously fake that they wouldn’t even be believable looking rats in real life. But I believed in my mind that they were supposed to be gigantic rats. Also the dream seemed to suggest they were real since they didn’t talk but squeaked instead. Out of nowhere, I had a gun in my hands and I started blasting them away. I don’t really know what it means. Maybe there’s some symbolic meaning behind it. I told my mom about it. She told me that the rats may symbolize the bad people who I’m not supposed to trust to be in my life and that’s why I was shooting them. I also think it might have something to do with the fact that I fear rats in my real, non sleeping life. Just this past December, I had another rat-related dream where I was in bed sleeping and rats were walking in formation across my room including my bed. I don’t know if it’s related to the other dream but I just thought it was weird. I think what these dreams say that when the human-rat wars come and they're coming, trust me, I’m your guy. So keep that in mind.
So there’s this cable network that I just recently got. It’s called MeTV. If you’ve never seen it, it’s a really interesting channel and they show a lot of classic TV shows like Batman, Columbo, the original Star Trek, and The Mary Tyler Moore Show. I don’t watch it all the time but there’s this one show that caught my attention. It’s called That Girl. I honestly would have let this show passed by this show if it weren’t for the adorableness of Marlo Thomas. I honestly only know this show because Family Guy did a parody of the opening once and they honored it at the TV Land Awards years ago. I don’t know what to say but it’s a cute show. It’s not a show that has me on the floor laughing but not every show has to reach that level. It’s still brings some laughs and this story of every episode is decent. The whole premise of this show is that this girl (get it?! it sounds like the title!) named Ann (played by Thomas), an aspiring actress trying to make it in New York. She’s also dating some guy named Donald. Also her father is very protective. Every episode is basically just her getting into wacky misunderstandings that are always easily solved at the end of the episode. As you can tell, this sounds like a innocent and simple comedy. But it’s just entertaining because this chick’s a really great actress. It also doesn’t hurt that she’s easy on the eyes. And also she’s white and as America has shown with Kate Upton, Kelly Brook, the Natalee Holloway case, the Elizabeth Smart case, the Investigation Discovery channel as a whole which could just be called the “missing white girls” network, the entire existence of New Girl in addition to that show’s star Zooey Deschanel, and the marriages of every black athlete in the world, we love white women and this show happens to make us care for yet another white woman. I joke but this woman’s a legitimately good actress. She seems like she's a really sweet person. I just get that from the show, I don't know her in person. I’m actually surprised that she didn’t become a bigger name after this show. She has a very marketable, mainstream face. You can't look at that face and want to still feel hate inside of yourself. It's a face that could stop wars.
This usually isn’t my kind of show. It’s just that I like a show to relax sometimes. I’ve watched That ‘70’s Show and Malcolm in the Middle so much to the point where you could have sworn I was a writer for those shows because I know some of those episodes by heart. I mean I was but still. I also like the fact that it seems other guys seems to want to sleep with this woman. In one episode, Ann gets a creepy phone call, which causes her to call the police. This detective ends up staying over and at the end, it’s revealed that the caller was already caught and he was just trying to get closer to her. There’s also another episode where Ann gets a concussion after a knock on the head from a baseball and this doctor who looks like her boyfriend Donald helps her get better. He also poses as Donald to prove he can fool her or something. It could be inferred that he’s trying to bang her. And with her looks, who can blame him? She’s just so cute that I want to take her to a steak dinner so hard. I want to show her my DVD collection over and over again. I want to express my feelings all over her face. And I mean literal feelings. You see I can’t even be dirty when I talk about her. This isn’t normal for me. I’m really enjoying this show and it’s good to see some clean television once in a while. That’s another thing I never thought I’d say but there it is. I love That Girl.
One particular memory I remember was my mom showing me a catalog from this place called Columbia House Video Club. From here, my life was never going to be the same after this. It was the year 1997 and there were these things called VHS tapes. VHS tapes were amazing to me as a kid. The fact that you could own these moving pictures and see them whenever you wanted in your house was an amazing idea to me. Watching VHS tapes was like finding a lost treasure. Looking back and seeing how far we’ve come in home video, VHS can’t even compare to the amazingness of DVD and Blu-Ray. It’s shitty to look at but still visible enough to see what was going on and it never looked how it was probably originally intended it to look in its 2:35:1 aspect ratio or whatever the ratio was supposed to be. And don't even get me started on aspect ratios. It's astounding how much tail I get whenever I tell the ladies about aspect ratios. I'll just say I've seen many a soaked panty in my lifetime. The sound was always pretty good on VHS. Although, it could be hit and miss on some movies. For example, my Lost World: Jurassic Park tape has a moment in the middle where the sound just automatically gets lower than the rest of the movie for a few minutes. But the crappy quality adds to the nostalgia of going back to these tapes and it feels as these tapes a moment was captured in time just to present it to some child getting his first taste of cinema. I remember watching these tapes I had for many years and they always bring me back to when I was a kid and how much simpler things were back then.
Around 2002, DVDs became more and more of a thing and it seemed like it was to stay. So because of the popularity and things my friends were saying about owning them, I was curious about them and decided to make myself a DVD owner. My best friend had a pretty great collection and I was really curious to start my own collection. There’s an episode of Hey Arnold! where Arnold and the rest of his friends try to break a world record in their town. Because of that very episode, I remember wanting just have the biggest DVD collection just so I could become famous and probably get a cash prize of a million dollars and I can buy more DVDs. I didn’t really have a goal number to hit but I recall people being rather impressed by it whenever they came over. The thing that was great back then about buying DVDs was going to Best Buy back then. It felt like I was accomplishing something in my life. I felt like my life had some kind of purpose. When I got a few DVDs I wanted, I just couldn’t wait to get home and open the seal. Opening up a DVD was like what I imagine feeling a woman’s downstairs is like. It feels magical and you can only get that very special feeling from doing this very thing. This was still the early 2000s so at this time, DVD was being pushed pretty hard and you could find anything that existed possible in there. Dutch? They had it. 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag? They had it. Paper Moon? They had it. Harlem Nights? They had it. A video of your birth was probably in there. There was never such a thing as not being able to find something.
As great as Best Buy was to go to, it was just as great going to your local mall and going to those music stores. Oh, my god, stores like FYE and Virgin Megastore (I’ve only been to one in LA and it was pretty cool) were the shit back then. I was listening to a podcast a while back called We Hate Movies and they talked Dracula 2000 and the product placement of Virgin Megastore. Dracula 2000’s a shit movie but they did bring up some good points about those kind of stores. They also mentioned how those kind of stores were always fun to browse around. Browsing was also the best thing about these stores. Let’s be honest, you never went to the mall planning to buy a copy of A Fish Called Wanda on DVD at FYE but it happened you had nothing better to do at the mall. I used to be excited to go to the mall because FYE always had such more obscure stuff in both their DVD and VHS collection. Also, my mom and I always went together so she took me every goddamnwhere as I was forced to go to Victoria’s Secret, Forever 21, Palais Royal, a bunch of other stores that sold girly shit. I did my penance so I felt I deserved a DVD after going to all those stores. Going to these stores were great and I really miss them.
Another favorite memory of mine was going to a Best Buy when I was about in 7th grade. I should mention I didn’t know very many white people so this was a very special moment indeed. I remember going into a Best Buy having no idea what to buy. So this skinny white guy came and asked if I needed anything. Here’s the thing: I was never prepared as to what I was going to buy as a kid. I just went to get whatever. But I asked this guy what comedies he would recommend. One of those movies was Joe Dirt, which by the way if you haven’t seen is a masterpiece and should be seen at this very moment. It was also snubbed for an Oscar. I don’t own it but I remember this guy going through all the comedies he thought were funny. History of the World Part I, the Naked Gun movies, the South Park movie, and EuroTrip (which I actually bought that day). There was also this kind of cute white girl in glasses that was helping him help me pick some choices. They actually seemed like they wanted to help me and they were making nerdy references to each other. This was amazing because I always made references to movies and no one around me sadly ever got them. But these two seemed like my kind of people. They seemed pretty close so I don’t know whether boyfriend and girllfriend, brother and sister, or just really close friends. It was mesmerizing just finding someone who has the same interests as you. I only saw the guy one other time but it's too bad I never saw them again. I remember that moment made me want to work at Best Buy. I just wanted to do what those people did for me. I just wanted to go around the movie area and help people with their choices. I even considered taking a job at Blockbuster even though I was never a big renter to begin with. I didn’t like the idea of having a movie to watch for such a limited time as it felt like being rushed in a way. I also had cable and I watched a bunch of Nickelodeon back then so making time for an episode of Rugrats and watching Dennis the Menace in addition to school wasn’t an easy task timewise. Anyway, this dream job sadly never came to be because just a few years ago, all the video and music stores around me started closing. The worst part about that is that malls are far less interesting and there’s nowhere just to browse to kill time. It sucks but it seems that people prefer doing things online. It’s fine but it’s too bad that these stores had to suffer from lack of business. Going to these stores was one of the best things I loved doing. I didn’t have eventful weekends so this was a real loss for me. As I said earlier, I didn’t have friends. Going to these stores helped me forget about the bullying I suffered or the fact that I never was included by anybody. Really, movies as a whole do that for me.
One of the best things about discovering DVDs was that the technology was amazing. There are menus that take me where I want to go. If I wanted to see a deleted scene from Knocked Up where Jonah Hill talks about Brokeback Mountain and the fact he doesn’t care if two guys bang each other, that’s my choice to see it. If I want to see a 2-hour documentary about how great Jaws is, it’s a possibility. At this moment, as we speak, I can put in my Blu-Ray of Jaws and do that very thing. Also, if I want to see a movie at some point in the intended aspect ratio with a clear picture quality, that could be a reality outside of Turner Classic Movies. You mean I can pick a scene from a movie and it automatically takes me there in seconds? And I can listen to an audio commentary of Cameron Crowe, John Cusack, and Ione Skye talk about how great Say Anything... is? This can’t be for real. Am I getting punk’d? Where’s that great thespian Ashton Kutcher hiding. His trucker hat has to be here somewhere. (Sidenote: Ashton Kutcher was actually one of my favorite actors when I was a kid.)
Even better, you can buy TV shows on DVD and surprise, there’s no commercials. I can and have bought every season of One Tree Hill so I can watch it anytime I want. And yes, I love One Tree Hill. Don’t question my decisions! If I want to do that, that’s my choice as an American. I’ve owned a big screen TV since I was 9, I can do what I want! In recent years, putting shows on DVD seems to be a trend that I hope never stops. So if in any case, I get trapped under a bunch of newspapers or I get kidnapped from September to May, I can always get caught on everything I missed. Also, I don’t have to wait weeks just to get the latest episode of New Girl and see Zooey Deschanel do something quirky with her big and beautiful blue eyes. I can do that whenever I can. Man, I have a need to get New Girl on DVD for some reason. Next person to say something bad about Zooey Deschanel, just try. Oooooh, I wish you’d just try. I can make people disappear. That’s not a threat, that’s a promise. So keep those lips zipped. Anyways, what were we talking about? I don’t think I buy a lot of TV shows on DVD but I would like to do it more often. But what I’m trying to say is that DVDs are great.
The last time I counted, I think I have about 800 DVDs at this point. Guinness is going to call me at some point. Whoever’s working there, give me a call so I can get my cash prize of a million dollars or meet a celebrity or whatever the prize is. Is it hookers? And if I can make a request, can she look like Shelley Long from Night Shift and have the voice of American Dad’s Francine Smith? Hey, we all have our kinks. Don’t judge. Is it a hoverboard from Back to the Future Part II? Oh, I bet it’s that. So call me, Guinness. The point is I love buying DVDs and even if the movies just okay, that doesn’t lessen my enjoyment. I’ll buy it. I don’t think I’m telling any tales out of school. I just wanted something to share.