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#1 Movie of All-Time
#1 Romantic Comedy
#1 Movie Character
KING Of All Schmoes
We get to see Evelyn (JenGirl824) basically take a whole office of guys and made a deal of a lifetime for her company. She is known as a very aggressive company woman who is bound for the big leagues thanks to her boss Richard (Alan Arkin)
Richard: You're such a ball buster! I love it.
Evelyn: Thank you sir
Richard: I mean, you made scrambled eggs with those cojones.
She laughs uncomfortably.
However, outside of work, she is known to be really aggressive with every potential man that is sent her way thanks to the blind date hookups of her best friend Lori (Olivia Thirbly).
Lori: Why are you so damn aggressive?
Evelyn: I'm not that aggressive.
Lori: Um..."Do you have good credit?....Have you ever stolen vehicles?....Do you accept your penis size?!!!"
Later, Evelyn meets Mike (Chris Evans) who works minimum wage as a busboy at a local diner where he meets Evelyn. He flirts with her, but she denies his advances. He makes it a mission to woo her using his charm even finding out her weakness for Disney films even giving her tickets to Disney on Ice where she rightfully screams in delight.
Evelyn is finding problems as she drops her hard shell and becomes soft at work which disappoints her boss Richard and her big spot in the building in danger.
Cue requisite goofy montage of Mike and Evelyn playing pranks and enjoying Boston.
They are both in bed
Mike: Glow in the dark condoms?
Evelyn: What? I find them cute.
Mike: It would like I'm penetrating you with a lightsaber.
We see Beatrix (Uma Thurman) enjoying a nice lunch with her daughter and with her new love Thomas (Bruce Willis). They are located inside a trailer in an undisclosed trailer.
We then see X (Smauel Jackson in full Afro Samurai mode) comes in and attacks the small family. He kills Thomas and kidnaps B.B. X goes and stabs Beatrix through the shoulder and tells her that it isn't over. Beatrix is hospitalized by a caring samaritan (Juliette Lewis). She goes to find out that Bill wasn't the head and is rather this mysterious individual (who we never see, played by Gcolonna). He looked at Bill as a second father figure and was the real head of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad. The mystery man along with his mentor Ki (Ken Watanabe) set out to destroy Beatrix once and for all.
We get glimpses of Beatrix fighting against X, a sword battle in the middle of a crowded park with Tony Jaa, and a sleazy George Clooney with a fetish for medieval weapons. The whole trailer has been silent with little dialogue until the very end when we see the mystery figure appear behind Beatrix (in shadow) and says:
We see Arthur Campbell (OldKingClancy) making breakfast for her daughter Emily (Felicity Jones).
Arthur: Do you got to head out so soon? I spent three hours making this omelet.
Emily: No dad. I gotta head out to class. Big test today.
Arthur: I'll see you later then.
Arthur gives her a kiss on the cheek.
Emily walks her typical path down to her college where she crosses path with a gang of hoodlums consisting of its leader David (Nicholas Hoult), unstable Roger (Jack O'Connell), and soft spoken Jordan (Jaime Bell). They approach Emily closer and closer while calling her out.
David: Hey love, why the rush?
Roger: You care to have some fun?
They all gang up on her and she runs off, but she is cornered at a alleyway and she screams as it fades to black. A cop shows up at Arthur's workplace.
Officer: Sir, your daughter is in the hospital.
Arthur: What happened?
We then get D.C.I. Martin Clarke (Jason Issacs) taking over the case.
Clarke: I reassure you that the rape of your daughter will be dealt with.
Arthur: I see this sort of crime every day. How can you possibly lie to me in my face knowing full well you can't do anything about it?
Arthur leaves in a rage and contemplates on finding out the culprits and killing them. His daughter is released from the hospital a few days later and catches her father loading a .45
Emily: I want in.
They both load up in the car and set out to get each gang member one by one. They catch one of them and Emily goes to heat up a piece of metal and burn the man's privates with a determined vengeful look on her face. They continue their one by one onslaught as David starts to panic.
David: That girl is coming for us
Jordan: We should have left her alone.
Roger: And what Jordan? I'm not afraid to kill. You better start adopting that or else I'll kill you myself.
It is revealed that David is actually Clarke's son and he's been trying to keep his son out of the hands of the police out of fatherly love. Clarke is dealing with having to try and save his son's life from Arthur and Emily's wrath and trying to do the right thing.
Arthur gets stunned to see his daughter be so complacent and brutal towards these guys and contemplates whether to stop this onslaught.
Emily: I'm not going to stop until every single one of them in in the ground
Arthur: Try to keep your sanity Emily!
We get a few more shots of torture involving a blowtorch and hammer. Roger confronts Arthur and Emily and tries to kill them both when they try to kill him. Roger almost chokes out Emily.
Roger: I like feistiness. Where was this last time?
A few more tense confrontations ending with David, Clarke, and Arthur facing off guns drawn with Emily hurt in the middle pointing her gun at her dad.
We get a man parked by the side of the road. We then see John (Robert De Niro) approach the vehicle.
John: Hey, can you help me? I seem to be lost.
Man: Get lost old man.
De Niro pulls out a small knife from his wrist and stabs the man in the neck.
John: No damn respect these days.
We see John as he is the most trusted hitman for the Contadino family headed by Alberto Di Contadino (Steve Buscemi). Alberto is in a bloody feud with the Romano mafia (headed by Harvey Keitel) for power of Brooklyn. However, we discover that John and Damian (Keitel) are actually good friends.
John: This whole feud is getting out of hand. I love you as a brother, but I'm not promising you will get out of this unharmed.
Damian: I survived every single damn thing this city has thrown at me. I don't need you babysitting my ass anymore.
Time goes by and a mysterious new hitman (Vin Diesel) shows up and kills Damian. John is distraught and finds out from Alberto that he hired this mysterious man because he thinks John isn't up to snuff to this line of work anymore.
We then find out that he has a son Joseph (Cochise) who works for the NYPD as a detective who warns his father.
Joseph: This feud is getting out of control The police are going to cave in on you and Contadino. You're on the hit list and God help you if Alberto finds out that you and Damian knew each other.
John: It's almost like you're threatening your own father.
Joseph: I won't hesitate turning you in. It's my duty. You taught me this.
John: You better get ready to put those skills to the test then.
John goes on a calculated rampage killing members of both families and igniting the flames even more so. He connects with Francis (Joe Pesci), Damian's brother, and joins forces to finish the job. Francis however is a little volatile. Francis just shot a guy in the face.
John: Jesus Francis!
Francis: No more pussyfootin' around. I'ma get the son of a bitch who killed my brother. Either you help me or I will put you in the ground myself.
Joseph is hot on the trail as John and Francis get into major trouble with Alberto and the mystery hit man appears to prove his worth as we end with a shot of both men sitting down across from each other. They both remain quiet without any facial movement or words.
Hit Man flashes an evil grin and five or six other guys with shotguns pop out from the shadows of the bar and fire...fade to black.
A shot of a maximum security prison.
Voiceover: Inside the newly constructed Los Angeles National Penitentiary, the nation's most notorious criminals are locked up. It is guarded by more than 50 guards, 24/7 high tech security, and impenetrable walls. There's no way in and now way out.
An alarm goes off
Man on intercom: I wanna welcome everyone to our playground.
We then see Michael Spartan (razgriz21), who is former Special Ops, taking a more low key job as a guard who was overseeing a lawyer named Clarence (Denzel Washington) as he tries to get his client Kip (Thomas Jane), an innocent man, free. However, several guards turn out to be in connection with the most notorious murderer in the country Razor (Scott Adkins) and has let all the prisoners loose.
Clarence: What's that?
Voiceover: Now it is up to Michael Spartan to use his skills in order to save the innocent.
Michael: You follow my lead and I promise that you'll maybe get out of here slightly injured.
Clarence: That's not very encouraging.
Shots of Adkins and his crew of misfits chasing Michael down.
We see Jane kicking ass
Michael: I thought you were an innocent man.
Kip: Doesn't mean I can't kick around some jackasses right?
They both grin.
We then get shots of Michael getting into a pipe fight with two prisoners, Adkins breaking necks and kicking skulls in of various guards, Jane slamming a man's head to broken shards of glass, and Michael facing off against Adkins in the basement.
Eric (airik_g) is getting his little sister Ginny (Sarah Hyland) ready for her prom. Ginny has decided to take his best friend Mark (Josh Hutcherson). Eric is helping Ginny to pick out a dress.
Ginny: By the way, Mark is coming by soon with his brother from Seattle.
Eric: Wait, why is he heading here?
Ginny: We just found feelings for each other. I want Mark and myself to get the boyfriend/girlfriend stuff underway to make prom special.
Eric: That's very well thought out.
Ginny: Don't be like mom. I had this planned since I crushed over Justin Timberlake in that Rock Your Body video. I got this.
Mark arrives and alongside him its his brother Fabian (Joseph Gordon Levitt). Eric is dumbfounded. Eric whispers in Ginny's ear.
Eric: He's really cute.
Fabian: He's 17. I'm pretty sure that goes against common society norms. If it was for me, then thank you.
Eric looks embarrassed, but they both laugh it of.
Eric and Fabian connect over time as Ginny and Mark build up their new found love for each other. Fabian and Eric look over Ginny and Mark getting ready to leave for a date.
Fabian: I have to warn you my brother is a bit....hormonal
Eric: Ginny can be very curious sometimes.
They both stare at each other.
Eric: You promise to keep Mark's penis away from my sister?
Fabian: As long as your sister's legs remain like Alcatraz
Eric, Fabian: Deal.
Eric: Wanna go to dinner?
Fabian: As long as we keep our siblings' private parts out of our conversations.
Fabian and Eric also start to build their relationship as tension arise with Ginny and Mark after Mark gets drunk and tries to sleep with Ginny at a party. Tensions flare between them as prom gets closer.
Ginny: Don't let me screw up your life because of my mistakes.
We get some goofy humor involving the parents and we end on a final shot with Fabian and Eric in tuxedos after some manipulation from Mark and Ginny.
Ginny: Aren't they adorable?
Fabian and Eric are in a limo with Ginny and Mark.
Fabian: So who wants to get drunk and yell from the sunroof with no shirt on?
Fabian: Come on. Maybe flash my ass instead?
Harry (JohnLocke2342) is on pursuit of a truck that has his girlfriend Christina (Jessica Chastain) who is taken by henchmen led by Harry's mortal enemy Rice (Christoph Waltz) who just escaped jail. Guns ablaze and lots of near misses and crashes until Harry's car crashes in a nearby ditch. Dean (myself) runs out of his little farm house to check out the noise. He sees Harry's car and Harry inside.
Dean: Dude, you ok?
Harry slumps over and hits the horn.
Dean: That's a no.
Dean takes care of Harry and Harry wakes up and is ready to immediately give chase to Rice.
Harry: Thanks for being my nurse Dean, but I got business to attend to.
Dean: Listen. I think you need my help. It's not often I get to see crazy Lethal Weapon shit out here.
Dean: Come on!
Dean: I got a shitload of guns.
Dean shows Harry his immense collection of weapons including shotguns, Uzis, and a Tommy Gun.
Harry: Just what I wanted
Dean: So who are we after?
Harry: A man who is very pissed at me and now has my girlfriend and wants me dead.
Dean: I don't know if you want to know this, but I got a massive action hard on right now.
Harry stares at him disapprovingly.
We then get a montage of them loading up and heading out and trying to find Rice. They get into local bikers, a gigantic warehouse firefight, and even a fight in a mock up western town.
We then get Rice.
Rice: I want these two lovebirds in the ground. So I can personally shit on top of their graves for the rest of my days.
More action scenes including Dean shooting a guy in the head with a shotgun leading to a massive head explosion.
Dean: HOLY SHIT! Did you see that?!!!!! YES!!!!
More cool action with Harry pulling off some wicked motorcycle stunts, a quick glimpse of Harry and one of the henchmen (Jason Statham) getting into a big fistfight, and massive explosions.
Harry and Dean are in the car after Harry shows Dean a picture of his girlfriend.
Dean: So..um...does it match? Is she color coordinated? hehehe
Harry: You know the last time someone made inapproriate comments about my girl?
.....I lit his balls with a lighter.
Dean: Just trying to fill in the void of silence. No need to get my nuts involved.
Some classical music swells as we see Kyle (LegendarySuit) and Abby (Amanda Seyfried) embrace each other on a wide open field. The camera flies over the fields and we see different beautiful shots of landscapes including rivers, forests, mountains, and beaches.
We continue switching from the main couple to their past generations from the 50's, 20's, 1860's, and 1770's. We continue moving back and forth between our current couple and their past generational selves as they all share the ever lasting wonder of love. The arguments, the laughs, the tears, the fears, and the passion as continual shots of fields and blue skies are shown along with soothing close ups of the couple's faces.
We see David (jimmydevito) waiting on some customers in a diner. He sees Thomas (De Niro) sitting alone in the corner. David attends to him.
David: Anything else sir?
Thomas leaves and meets a man outside behind the diner. David goes to take out the trash and sees Thomas in trouble with the man. David interferes and distracts the unknown man and Thomas shoots the man.
David is left speechless.
Thomas: That was good. Come with me.
Thomas takes him to the center where the mafia he works for is established. He meets Roberto Beniglio (Leonardo DiCaprio) who is the head of the mafia and takes him into his special family. We see David rise up through the ranks as he has a penchant for taking punishment, but also dealing out some wicked punches of his own.
Thomas: This guy should be knocking out boxers haha.
We see David get higher and higher as he starts earning Roberto's trust more and more. David meets Naomi (Eva Green) and showers her with the riches he can afford with his exploits. However, Thomas is getting threatened to see this youngblood rise up too fast and forms a quick scheme that places David as the culprit in a deal gone wrong and he is chased down by the mafia that once called him family.
We get David in several shootouts and fights.
Roberto: I want his head on my desk and his fingers decorating my windows.
We then see Thomas and David have a small conversation in the same diner they first met with guns in their hands pointed at each other.
Thomas: You know, you probably should have walked away from my offer.
David: Maybe fate wanted a change.
They both cock their guns.